"Tiger Daughter" Responds to Critics

There has been much made of Amy Chua's essay and book on Chinese mothers.  Her view of discipline is very easily described as extreme.  Her daughters had no say in after school activities and only perfection was allowed.  I am a believer in setting high goals for your children.  I personally agree with one of the premises of the book that we have gotten to soft with our children.  MTV's second most popular show is 16 and Pregnant.  We also are on a road of dumbing down our school system and our society.  It is all about feeling good and not hurting kids feelings.  After all, we might damage their self esteem.  We have law suits being filed because parents can't possibly say no on there own about taking their child to McDonald's for a Happy Meal.  Apparently, a six year old is all powerful in the dinner decisions in some homes. 

But, not allowing your child to have sleep overs and spending the vast majority of their free time practicing an instrument that you have chosen for them or doing homework isn't going to work with every child.  The world requires that you form relationships.  While I think all parents complain about teenagers trying too hard to fit in, but those are growing experiences as well.  Unless you find a job that requires little to no interaction with other people that is a important part of the maturing process, because at some point building relationships and working together is something that you will need to do in life. 

I would like to think there is something in between being too soft and being Tiger Mother. 

Everybody’s talking about the birthday cards we once made for you, which you rejected because they weren’t good enough. Funny how some people are convinced that Lulu and I are scarred for life. Maybe if I had poured my heart into it, I would have been upset. But let’s face it: The card was feeble, and I was busted. It took me 30 seconds; I didn’t even sharpen the pencil. That’s why, when you rejected it, I didn’t feel you were rejecting me. If I actually tried my best at something, you’d never throw it back in my face.

I remember walking on stage for a piano competition. I was so nervous, and you whispered, “Soso, you worked as hard as you could. It doesn’t matter how you do.”

Everybody seems to think art is spontaneous. But Tiger Mom, you taught me that even creativity takes effort. I guess I was a little different from other kids in grade school, but who says that’s a bad thing? Maybe I was just lucky to have nice friends. They used to put notes in my backpack that said “Good luck at the competition tomorrow! You’ll be great!” They came to my piano recitals — mostly for the dumplings you made afterward — and I started crying when I heard them yelling “bravo!” at Carnegie Hall.

When I got to high school, you realized it was time to let me grow up a little. All the girls started wearing makeup in ninth grade. I walked to CVS to buy some and taught myself how to use it. It wasn’t a big deal. You were surprised when I came down to dinner wearing eyeliner, but you didn’t mind. You let me have that rite of passage.

Another criticism I keep hearing is that you’re somehow promoting tunnel vision, but you and Daddy taught me to pursue knowledge for its own sake. In junior year, I signed myself up for a military-history elective (yes, you let me take lots of classes besides math and physics). One of our assignments was to interview someone who had experienced war. I knew I could get a good grade interviewing my grandparents, whose childhood stories about World War II I’d heard a thousand times. I mentioned it to you, and you said, “Sophia, this is an opportunity to learn something new. You’re taking the easy way out.” You were right, Tiger Mom. In the end, I interviewed a terrifying Israeli paratrooper whose story changed my outlook on life. I owe that experience to you.

There’s one more thing: I think the desire to live a meaningful life is universal. To some people, it’s working toward a goal. To others, it’s enjoying every minute of every day. So what does it really mean to live life to the fullest? Maybe striving to win a Nobel Prize and going skydiving are just two sides of the same coin. To me, it’s not about achievement or self-gratification. It’s about knowing that you’ve pushed yourself, body and mind, to the limits of your own potential. You feel it when you’re sprinting, and when the piano piece you’ve practiced for hours finally comes to life beneath your fingertips. You feel it when you encounter a life-changing idea, and when you do something on your own that you never thought you could. If I died tomorrow, I would die feeling I’ve lived my whole life at 110 percent.



And for that, Tiger Mom, thank you