Yes, Matt Walsh, Robin Williams lost the ability to see the joy in his life

I haven't posted in a quite some time for a variety of reasons.  But this I couldn't sit out.  As everyone who doesn't live under a rock has heard by now, Robin Williams committed suicide earlier this week.  He wasn't fooling around either, he slit his wrists and wrapped a belt around his neck. He wasn't interested in failing at this.  The darkness was going to come to a conclusion.

The normal (yes, sadly this is normal) he was a horrible man who committed a very selfish act comments started almost immediately.  I must remember to stay off social media after these type of events happen as it only upsets me. His daughter Zelda has been chased off social media due to the cruelty of others.   

All of my regular readers know that I have been very open and honest about the fact that I suffer from long-term clinical depression, known as Major Depressive Disorder.  I have had this since I was in high school and possibly earlier.  I am not ashamed of it, it is part of who I am.  I don't like it and I wish it were different, but it isn't.  This is one of the crosses that I have to bear in my life.  We all have them, whatever they may be.  

I want to scream when I see what is said about mental illness after an event puts it in the news once again.  A famous person committing suicide, a mass shooting, or whatever else happens to make this issue get national attention.  Sadly, it has become predictable to point of comedy.  You can almost predict to the minute before you see the whole "selfish" thing start after news of  a suicide.  

Yes, when a person leaves the world by taking their own life they leave behind questions.  They leave loved ones who feel guilt, who wonder why they couldn't help them.  It is hard to be that loved one.  Now, that is something that I don't really have a great deal of experience with, as the small amount of people who I know that have done this weren't all that close to me.  I knew them and some cases really liked them, but it has never been someone very close to me, with one possible exception.  A guy that grew up two houses down from me died by grabbing onto live wires at a train crossing.  We went to school together, we had the same first high school job together.  We shared many interests and were close for a long period of time.  He eventually moved to another state and we lost touch with one another.  He died in Florida.  We were in our early 20's at the time, if I recall correctly.  He recently had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and was said to be coping rather well.  But at some point he stopped taking his meds, a very bad break up with his long-term girlfriend, and the lack of close friends after a recent move led him into his darkness that he saw no recovery from.  He took his own life.  He left behind a mother, a step father, a younger brother, and many close friends in our home state of CT hurt and angry.  

Oddly, I wasn't angry at him.  I was envious in very strange way.  His pain was over while mine just continued.  On and on it went.  I had yet to be given a proper diagnosis of my problems.  I had already made one attempt at ending my life at that point, and would make another just a few short years later.  Mine was triggered by events.  My BFF from my entire childhood was killed in a car accident. She was in a car going someplace that I was supposed to go and was unable to attend due to family that came in from out-of-town.  Talk about guilt.  It was horrible and it took me many, many years to get over her death and the guilt that I felt.  I still think about her everyday.  The second downward spiral in my life came after a relationship with a man I had planned on marrying came to an end.  That also took me a very long time to come to grips with.  Quite honestly I am far better off that I didn't marry him. He had many issues, not the least among them a substance abuse problem.  But I was devastated just the same.  

Blogger Matt Walsh talked about the joy of life and how that should be enough to sustain you through your dark moments.  From what I can glean from the post, Mr. Walsh seems to have an understanding of depression, he says he has struggled for many years with it.  I wonder.  

One of the worst things about my depression is how it robs me of the joy in the world.  That is what it does.  I can see many good things in my life.  I see the people who love me, who I love back.  The things that I have been able to accomplish in spite of the fact that I have suffered from clinical depression for the majority of my life are quite good.  I have a degree from a highly regarded university from which I graduated with high honors.  I have a family life today that at one point I never dreamed I would have.  I love them dearly.  They love me back.  That is part of the joy in my world.  

But, I don't always treat them the way I should.  It isn't on purpose.  I become withdrawn.  I seek shelter in the safety of my bed.  I sleep a great deal.  I don't want to do much of anything.  I am lucky that the man in my life notices it and does his best to be supportive and I love him all the more for it.  He reminds me of doctor appointments, he will ask about my meds.  He will take me out for Fro Yo, which I just love.  He will clean up the house and do other things around the house when he senses that I am feeling overwhelmed.  He is a keeper.  But as I said, there are days that I just don't feel all the good that should come from having him in my life.  I see it, but I don't feel it.  I don't think I deserve it.  I wonder why he gives up so much and gets so little in return.  

Does Mr. Walsh think that women who suffer from postpartum depression don't understand that there is joy in the world?  They have a newborn baby to care for.  A child that brings much joy to them and their family, yet they still feel the darkness, the pain, the confusion, the guilt that comes part and parcel with clinical depression. Their hormones are going nuts.  Their bodies aren't allowing them to feel the joy that little bundle of wonderment has brought them, they see it, they just don't feel it.  They aren't being selfish.  They are coping the best that they can in a horrible situation.  

It is amazing that people can easily accept that other parts of our body are ill but not our brains.  That can't possibly be the reason.  I mean many cases of osteoporosis are caused by chemical in-balances in our bodies.  We have these things called osteopaths and osteoblasts in our bodies.  One helps build bone density, one thins the bones.  When we have a proper balance between the two our bone density will be fine.  When we have an in-balance, our bones become weaker and more prone to breakage.  Our hearts and livers have many different types of enzymes, we have insulin levels in our bodies that help us digest sugar.  We need the proper balances for our bodies to run correctly.  Why is that people think that our brain is so different?  It isn't.  Our brain is an organ just like the others.  It needs certain things to function "normally".  

Our brains give off chemicals when we exercise, when we have sex, when we are experience the "joy" in our lives.  The make us feel good.  Clinical depression causes our bodies not to produce those chemicals in the same manner.  Sometimes I wonder if I have any at all.  These chemicals are also a cause of why some are more at risk of becoming substance abusers. I have a childhood friend who became a heroin addict in her teens and early twenties.  One of the things that she, and others that I know that have had the same experience, tells me is that the first time you use it the euphoria you get is something that they never experienced before or since.  It never feels as good as it did the first time.  That is how they become addicted, they are chasing that high.  They are looking for something that make them feel that feeling once again.    

We know very little about the amazing thing that is the human brain.  There are so many things that we don't fully understand.  Why will some fully recover from traumatic head injury while others will not?  Why some don't produce the proper levels of neurotransmitters that give them a healthy sense of the world around them and others do?  But we know that it happens.  Or least some of us do.  Others live in denial of that fact.  

I don't know if it is fear that keeps people from seeing the truth, but they do.  One of the most ridiculous things I heard since the death of Mr. Williams was a comparison of his death to that of a suicide bomber.  Yes, someone actually said that.  Insert primal scream here.  

The lack of compassion shown to people who are in trouble and are dealing with a darkness that is so severe it is almost impossible to explain, is nothing short of breathtaking.  You hear about how if you just let Jesus into your life that you will be healed.  Does Jesus heal cases of bone problems?  Does Jesus heal cases of juvenile diabetes, which isn't caused by behavioral issues, but strictly a genetic problem of not producing the needed amounts of insulin?  I am sure some will recall a story of someone they know who was healed, but many faithful people have medical problems that are directly related to their bodies over/under producing chemicals in their bodies, and therefore need medical care to deal with those problems.  

Mr. Williams was very open and honest about his problems with clinical depression.  He talked about it publicly many times.  That isn't an assertion, that is fact.  He was also very open about his drug and drinking problems that he suffered and found ways to overcome for decades.  Depression and substance abuse tend to go hand in hand.  People turn to substances to just feel a little relief, even if it is only briefly.  People with depression try to find all kinds of ways just to feel a little relief.  

I can't speak for what was going on in Mr. Williams' head on Monday.  I can only talk about what my experiences have been.  What I can tell you is that when I was seriously considering taking my own life, the one person I didn't think about was myself.  I thought about everyone but me.  I was not acting in a selfish way.  I was looking to not only stop the pain, but to no longer be the burden that I perceived myself as being.  I felt broken beyond repair.  That there was no hope that things would ever change for me.  That I was always going to be living in a very dark place that hurt.  I was in a closet that got smaller and smaller every day.  I felt like I could barely breathe most of the time.  I was only dragging the people who loved me down.  They would be better off without me.  They would actually thank me one day.  I was doing them, and the world, a favor.  

With what we know as public record of Mr. Williams and his problems, I would guess he didn't feel all that much different.  You see, it doesn't matter what you have, how famous you may be, how much you do or do not love Jesus, how many people you have that care about you, it matters what you feel on the inside.  In the places that most people can't see.  The deep recesses of your heart that most people are too afraid to talk about.  Those are things that matter.  Those are things that clinical depression rob you of.  Those are things that are warped in your pain and your turmoil.  You aren't being selfish, you are trying to find a solution to a problem that from your point of view has no end.  A problem that you are bringing into the lives of everyone else around you.  You are the cause for their discomfort.  You are the reason that they too can't enjoy life.  You become the reason that joy is being taken from them, and since you know exactly what that feels like, you just want it to end.  For everyone involved.  You too feel guilt and remorse.

Think about this the next time you tell a person who is suffering from depression to "get over it", or "it will get better", or one of my personal favorites, "others have it much worse than you do".  Yeah, I know that logically.  But logic and depression don't exist on the same plane.  Stop looking for logic in mental illness, it doesn't exist.  Reach out to the person.  Be there to listen to them talk about why they feel so bad without judgement.  Try and get them medical attention.  They may resist, but try anyway.  You may just save them from the fate that Mr. Williams was not able to pull himself away from.  Show true compassion to those feel that they don't deserve it.  Who feel that they aren't worthy of it.  

R.I.P Mr. Williams.  Thanks for laughs and the tears you brought into our lives with your career.  Thanks for the money you raised for children with cancer.  Thanks for entertaining our troops who were a long way from home and willing to die to protect our freedoms.  Find peace.  One can hope that your death will help educate at least one person on the dangers of mental illness and accept the fact that it is indeed an illness, not a choice.  

Mental Illness Cuts Another Life Short - Phillip Seymour Hoffman Dead

Phillip Seymour Hoffman was found dead from overdosing on drugs Sunday morning.  He was found with a needle still in his arm.  On the surface it is easy to say "so what".  He was just another actor who had fame and fortune who threw it all away with the selfish use of drugs.  A theme that is all too common when these things happen.  

But the truth is his problems started long before he was either.  The truth also is that his battle with depression had been ongoing for most of his adult life.  He went to rehab for the first time in his early twenties right after college.  So his problems had nothing at all to do with being rich or famous.  His problems had to do with the fact he was human.  He had the same frailties that all the rest of us have.  We all have issues.  We all have things we wish could change, do differently, react differently to, be better.  

Mental illness isn't something to mess around with.  It isn't something that will just "go away" in time.  It is a medical condition, not unlike high blood pressure or diabetes, that requires medical attention.  In some cases it requires medication, in others talk therapy will work just fine.  But in either event it is a medical condition.  

I was watching Hannity on Fox News last night.  Something I rarely do, as he isn't one of my favorites.  Last night he reminded me of why.  He was showing pictures of the last few days and/or weeks of Mr. Seymour's life.  The pictures were from another "news" organization that I avoid like the plaque, TMZ.  It is nothing more than an exploitative gossip organization that seems to get off on the tragedies of others.  I am not sure how much money they paid for the pictures, and for my own mental well being I am better off not knowing.  

Have your opinions on what drug addicts are, that is fine.  If you believe they deserve what they get, OK.  I will get to how you are wrong about that shortly, but that is your opinion.  But remember, famous people have families as well.  He had a long time girlfriend and three young children; Cooper, Tallulah, and Willa.  The youngest being only five years old.  These young children just lost their father.  

I grew up with parent with a substance abuse problem.  It is certainly isn't the easiest of childhoods.  It is downright painful in fact.  Which his relapse back into to the addiction cycle may have been part of the reasons that he was separated from his long time girlfriend.  That isn't something that is really any of our business in any event.  That is between him, her, and their children.  But that doesn't make the love they felt for their father any less than that of your children towards you or your love towards your parents.  They deserve time to mourn in private without the people from the cheap seats chiming in on how he deserved what he got because he was a no good addict.  

As I have stated mental illness is just that, an illness.  It isn't as simple as going to the doctor, getting a blood test, and be given a treatment that will help control or cure it.  For many, such as myself, it is a life-long struggle that requires care.  Care from others and care from myself towards myself.  It is very easy to say well people like this are selfish when their lives end in a tragedy such as a drug overdose or suicide.  The reality is far different.  

Drugs and mental illness are very closely related.  As I said it requires care.  Sometimes that care comes in the form of self-medicating.  It becomes the way to feel better, just for a moment.  One moment in time that you don't feel bad.  You don't feel that the entire world is closing in around you.  For many, which I firmly believe that my father was one of these people, the stigma of mental illness is far worse than self-medicating.  Being a drunk, an IV drug user, a pill popper, a snorter or whatever else your drug of choice may be is the better option.  It is easier.  

Dealing with a mental illness is painful and it is work, very hard work in fact.  You are surrounded by a society that doesn't even make the attempt to understand what you are dealing with.  You are just labeled.  You may as well just be the addict.  

As a society it is well past time that we start dealing with these issues.  Virtually every mass shooting in this country has roots in mental illness.  Our jail and/or prison system contains a very large amount of mentally ill people, almost half in fact.  The number is estimated to be about 48%.  Nearly one-third of our homeless are mentally ill.  We spend the money on the back end housing and feeding these people in our jails and homeless shelters.  Yet we do very little to help them avoid those pitfalls and get the medical help that they need.  Just in terms of dollars and cents, it makes far more sense to spend that money on the front end.  Because we are spending it.  That can not be denied, at least not honestly.

We stigmatize them.  We tell ourselves that people like Mr. Hoffman was just a selfish man who had fame and fortune who was too weak to stay away from powerful drugs.  We tell ourselves that the parents of these young shooters should have done more to help their children.  We tell ourselves these things because it is easier than looking at ourselves and saying we too are to blame.  We could do more a society, we just would rather not because if we did, we may have to look at ourselves and our frailties.  We would have to look at our families and admit there may be a problem.  It is far easier this way.  We will just label them, call them weak.  Nothing to see here folks, just move along.  

Rest in Peace, Mr. Hoffman.  I hope that you rest easier than you lived.  Your talent will be missed.  

Mental Illness, The Death of a Child, and Human Hostility - Pastor Rick Warren's Son Commits Suicide

This story really upset me to the point that I have had real problems writing this.  This is like the fourth draft of this post.  All my regular readers know that I have been very open and honest about the fact that I suffer from a mental illness; major depression.  I truly believe that all people have crosses to bear in life, and this is one of mine.  Sadly, Pastor Warren's son unable to bear his cross, ended his own life on Friday night.  Simply tragic.

Another cross I had to bear in my life was the death of my best friend when we were teenagers.  She was killed in a car accident on her way to an amusement park one summer day shortly after her 15th birthday.  Luckily, her family and I have remained close.  I not only still talk to them, they are my family on an emotional level.  I watched what that family went through after her death.  It was horrible.  It almost devastated that family.  They were able to find their way to the other side, but it took years.  Honestly, they are likely not the same people they were before the accident.  The wounds went that deep.  I know the affect it had on my life and we were not really family, just childhood friends.  She and I shared the things that little girls share as they are trying to find their way to adulthood.  I often wonder how different my life would be had she lived.  But my point being I watched parents trying to find their way after the grief of losing a child.  I firmly believe that is a pain like no other, it is not the natural order of things.  You are not supposed to bury your child.

It took little time for people to show their inhumanity after the news was released.  The hate was just awful.  To make matters even worse is that it came from both sides.  Look, I have issues with Pastor Warren and some of his views.  But, does that justify this?

“I am a Christian and this guy was no Christian. … Purpose driven life my ars. The kid couldn’t be helped by a cult-like atmosphere and false teachings.”

I think not.  This family is burying a child.  The fact that he was grown doesn't change the fact that they are his parents.  Matthew Warren, besides suffering from mental illness, was also a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a co-worker, and many other things as well.  Doesn't that matter in our culture anymore?

The left has come out with the theory that he was gay and due to his father's stance on same-sex marriage caused him so much pain he had to take his own life.  There is no proof of this, but this is theory that those that are pre-disposed to hate any and all Christians have come up with.

“Rick warren hates all homosexuals. Look it up! His own son couldn’t change his mind. Do you think for a minute that rick is in mourning? His son was gay! He is rejocing. What a pathetic excuse for a human being.”

Hmm, he hates all homosexuals.

Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.”

There is a huge difference between hating someone and being against gay marriage based upon tenets of one's faith.  Not only does the left not get that, they don't even make the attempt to.  Or maybe they do get it and just don't care.  I am not sure.

Pastor Warren's work around the globe for AIDS patients can't be touched.  He has done amazing work not only giving medical care to the stricken, but also caring for the children who have been orphaned because of the disease.  If he were so full of "hate" he wouldn't be doing this.  Unless you are being intellectually dishonest you cannot disagree that AIDS is primarily an illness based upon behavioral choices, such as gay sex and promiscuity.  If you practice  abstinence until marriage and remain faithful the chances of you getting AIDS is almost nonexistence in the world today.  That would be life choices that Pastor Warren would prefer that people make.  Yet, there he is out in the world trying to make a difference to those that are suffering from that illness and helping the children who have become second-hand victims.

But sadly, simply talking about living a life based upon biblical teachings is enough to get you labeled a hate monger.  Standing by your belief system seems to justify being targeted within hours of the one of the most painful experiences of your life.  Even worse is when other "Christians" join in on the attacks.

Nothing is being said about the horrors that people with lifelong depression face.  The darkness that permeates far too much of their lives and takes away hope.  So let me say it.  Let me try to describe to you what this is like.  I am not a doctor and I can only talk about my own experiences, but from what I understand mine are not all that different from the others who suffer from this.

It has been described to me that on a scale of one to ten, most people fall between a 6 and 8 on any given day.  They will have days of fluctuation of course, but generally speaking this is where the average falls.  I happen to fall between a 4 and 6 on any given day.  My good days are your bad days.  I live in a constant funk.  I feel like crying for reasons that I can't explain.  I have described this to people on several occasions that I feel like I am in a body of water and I can't see land and no matter how much I swim I am getting nowhere.  Think of how exhausting that is.  That young man likely didn't feel all that different.  He couldn't find his way to land.  30% of all people who take antidepressants on a regular basis will have the medication just stop working.  There is no rhyme or reason for it, so you can't prepare for it.  When this happens your depression will of course get worse.  I have no way of knowing if Warren's son happened to be in that 30% or not, but it wouldn't surprise me if he were.

People with long-term depression get very good at faking it.  At least to a point.  It eventually will catch up to you.  During one of my down cycles I used to go to work everyday and do my job with no issues.  But that was about all I could accomplish.  I went straight home, turned off the phone and sat on the couch in a daze until I went back to work.  I got through it by taking my car a few miles away during my lunch hour and sit in my car and cry for an hour.  It released enough of the emotion that I could through the afternoon.  Once that episode began to fade, I then had to clean my condo, which was a mess.  My poor dog got little attention during this cycle.  She was an amazing comfort to me during the time, she seemed to sense my down moods and would snuggle with me.  She used to put her head on one shoulder and her paw on the other and lick my face.  She was giving me a doggie hug.  She really did help me get through the bad days.

The point that I am trying to make is that depression is a horrible, horrible illness.  It is an ILLNESS.  It isn't a choice.  It requires medical attention and in most cases medication to balance out the chemical imbalances in your brain.  His son couldn't find his way out any other way.  Is it cowardly?  Maybe.  But if you lived with this pain and darkness day after day for the majority of your life , you would see it a different way.

Our inhumanity to man is very sad to me.  Questioning Pastor Warren's belief system is fair game as he is in the public eye.  But to purposely hurt a man who is about to bury his own child can only be described as inhumane.  There is no other word for it.  Shame on those who did this.

Rick Warren        ✔ @RickWarren

Grieving is hard.Grieving as public figures,harder.Grieving while haters celebrate your pain,hardest.Your notes sustained us

I hope that Matthew has found the peace he was unable to attain in life.  I also hope that the Warren family continues to get notes to sustain them through this horrible ordeal.

The NRA Goes All Orwellian

There, I said it.  I am so astonished, flabbergasted, and appalled at the presser that Wayne La Pierre and the NRA held today.  While he started out just fine, it just got creepier and yes Orwellian as it went along.  

A federal program that puts an armed guard in every school across the country?  Uh, no.  The security of a particular school system is a local/state issue, not a federal one.  Smitty over at The Other McCain accused me of being so federalist.  My reply, you're damn skippy I am.  What conservative can get behind this suggestion?  This is something that the left would do, not the right.  Not the gun part, but the federal government control part.  I mean the irony of all this is so thick you can cut it with a knife.  Some on the right are heralding this as the great cure-all, and the left is screaming about it.  Neither of things are true.  

First and foremost, I am 100% against forcing a teacher to become a gun toter.  Many teachers would not want to do this, and as an American citizen that is their right.  The second amendment says nothing about every American must bear arms, it says the government can't infringe upon that right.  Even if the teacher was someone who liked guns, I still think it is a bad idea.  All the students would know that the teacher is armed and I believed it could be a huge distraction; especially in schools were violence is an everyday part of life for the student body.  What I would be willing to go along with would be highly trained and certified guard of some sort.  I know where I live the police department has a unit of people who are hired out to all kinds of locations, even to some jewelry stores in the area.  But only if the school system wants this type of thing.  I don't think it should be forced on a federal level.  This is something that state/locality should decide upon.  I know here in Virginia there is discussion if our Constitution would even allow the commonwealth to force this on every school system.  A bill is expected to be put into our legislature next month.  We will see how it goes.  

But the thing that really takes the cake for me is the national database of the mentally ill.  What???????  Does he really think that a person like me deserves to have my name put into a national database simply because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain?   I have been very open and honest about my mental illness on this blog.  It didn't start out that way, but over time I have come to realize that in a very small way I could try to lift the stigma that surrounds mental illness.  

Mental illness isn't really a science.  There is no blood test to determine if you have it or not.  It is more of an art when it comes to getting a proper diagnosis.  Which, by the way, is part of the problem.  There is no way to determine who is going to become violent.  The vast majority of mentally ill people are not in any dangerous to other people.  They are in many ways self-destructive, but not dangerous.  The differences between the two is huge.  

I have been having a discussion about this on my Facebook page and have been told that I am already in a database about my MDD.  True, but that is for purposes of insurance.  While the police/government could get access to that information if they really needed to, but it would take a court order to do so.  The differences between a private company having this information for those type of purposes and the federal government creating one that they alone have access to don't compare in any way, shape, or form.  

Am I going to have to start wearing a scarlet letter to identify myself to others too?  

I have already seen comparisons between La Pierre and Hitler around the intertubes.   I am sorry, but that isn't so far off.  Hitler didn't like the mentally ill either.  I am was not considered a good person to continue breeding, heaven knows I shouldn't create any more mentally unstable people to mess up the landscape and the perfect utopia that due to be created in the imagination of that madman.  

Under no circumstances should anyone be heralding the idea of a national database about mental illness.  If you are, ask yourself, who gets to determine who is mentally ill or not?  Does a woman who goes through postpartum depression get added?  Postpartum depression is something that last a few months and is curable (yes curable) by a short round of meds.  Many women don't even go the route of meds, they push their way through it.  Does a person who experiences a bout of depression after a divorce get added?  Do we add all the over medicated children we have across the country too?  Does he have any idea how this hinder getting medical treatment for such illnesses?  Did he even remotely think this through?  We already have a huge problem with stigma about mental illness in this country.  This would make an already big problem even more unmanageable.  

This is a violation of our freedoms and rights of epic proportions.  It needs to be ridiculed for what it is.  A Orwellian overreach of government.  Wayne La Pierre should be deeply ashamed of his performance today, deeply and profoundly.  SMDH.

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Newtown Shooter Motive? - Lanza fearful of Involuntary Commitment

It seems that one of the working theories of why Adam Lanza went on a killing spree in the small town of Newtown, CT was that he feared being put into a psychiatric hospital against his wishes.  Getting an adult (and even an underaged child) committed for reasons to do with mental health is very difficult thing to do.

What we don't know is if Adam was deteriorating even further that made it easier that a judge would consider conservatorship to his mother and allowing her to enter him into a hospital.  Several friends of mom have said that they believed Adam was becoming harder and harder for her to handle on her own.  It is also said that it was possible that she was going to relocate to the state of Washington where she located a school/treatment facility that would be able to help care for him.

As my regular readers know, I suffer from a mental illness; one thing I can be quite certain of, hospitalization is a scary prospect.  It is something that I have had to deal with at times in my life.  At moments I knew things were totally out of control and I couldn't continue on the path I was on.  If I had stayed on that path I wouldn't be here right now.  I know that with 100% certainty.  I also know for 100% certainty that I, like most mentally ill, was not a danger to anyone else.  Most behavior from mental illness is self-destructive, not violent.  But, how does one tell the difference between the self-destructive and the potentially deadly?  I am not even sure a doctor can do that.

I do believe that it is far too difficult to get a severely mentally ill person into treatment without their consent.

When I asked my son's social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. "If he's back in the system, they'll create a paper trail," he said. "That's the only way you're ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you've got charges."
I don't believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael's sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn't deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population.

The words from a mother of a mentally ill child who is at the end of her wits.  She is struggling to find the right school, the right doctor, the cure.  She has been unable to find them and her son is ill.  She has to make a heart wrenching choice, jail her eldest child or take the chance that he be the next mass murderer when his rage rises to the surface.  She has two younger children to consider, and of course her own safety.  She has a "plan" that her two younger children follow if they see their big bro acting in a violent fashion.  They run to the car and lock themselves in.  I don't think that work as this now 12-year-old boy grows and becomes stronger.

We have to find a balance between the civil liberties of people like me and protecting the severely mentally ill from themselves and protecting society as well.  We went way too far back in the 50's and 60's.  We locked up people who had no real business being locked up.  We had parents who were shuffling off children that were difficult to handle, but not mentally ill.  Once you were put into this place, it was very hard to get out of.  The movie Girl, Interrupted was based on a true story of young woman who spent 18 months in mental institution against her will.  These things did happen.   These hospitals were sometimes hell holes.  Patients were sexually abused, raped, drugged, given severe medical treatments such as labotomies and shock treatments.  We cannot go back to those days.  But we went too far in the other direction.  We have made almost impossible to get any treatment until they hurt themselves or someone else.  By then, it usually already too late.  The laws are far too restrictive.

There are no easy answers and finding the proper balance between the needs of a civil and moral society and the rights of the individual is not going to be easy.  But we must try.

Tragedy in Newtown

I want to start this out by saying I personally know children that were in that house of horrors today.  Luckily they are fine, physically.  Emotionally, well that is going to be something that time will only tell about.

I grew up in Fairfield County, Connecticut.  I lived in the other side of the county, about 35 minutes away.  So this hits home for a number of reasons.

In most instances, we find out days/hours later that the shooter is mentally ill.  I have written about this in the past.  I have a mental illness.  I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder.  I can clearly remember the symptoms showing up in about my freshman year of high school.  I was 13 at the time.  It has a major effect on the trajectory of your life and the lives of people around you.  There isn't an aspect of your life that isn't affected.  You may be able to hide it for a while, but sooner or later it comes through.  How much the people around understand depends on the education level of mental illness within that person.

Today, a 20-year-old man shot his mother in the face, killing her.  Drove to the school she allegedly worked at (this aspect of the story is still cloudy), walked into the office of the school shot and killed the principal and school psychologist, continued into a classroom of kindergarteners and massacred them.  20 dead children in all, and that number could very well change in the next few days.

All every one wants to know right now is why.  A question that we never fully have answers to since the shooter killed himself after he did his dirty deeds.  His mother, whom he was living with, is also dead.  His father and brother lived in a different state and apparently did not have a great deal of contact with him.  The brother, who was originally called the shooter in the early hours in the fog of reporting has told police that his brother had a personality disorder (gee, ya think) and was either suffering from autism or asbergers.  Neither of which are known for this type of depraved violence.   So we will be forced to make assumptions on what his motives were.

But what I can tell you is that this type of act isn't thought of in one day.  He had to have had this planned out in his head.  But before we even had a body count, the cries of "GUN CONTROL" were being heard loudly and clearly.  Well, as I said I grew up in CT.  I can tell you they have strict gun laws.  He was not able to buy these guns legally.  He was under age.  He also committed this horror in a gun free zone.  Obviously he didn't care about the laws.   Today, in a much less reported story, there was an incident of 20 children and a teacher being attacked by some knife wielding lunatic.  Luckily none of those children were killed as far as I know.  But it just goes to show you, if there is a will, there is a way.

Look, I dont' know what really happened today, and neither does anyone else.  We know that far too many died.  We know that the surviving children that were in that school today are going to be traumatized for quite some time, if not forever.  There will be children who will be afraid to go back to school.  First responders are having a hard time with the scene they witnessed today as well.  The town of Newtown have already started pulling resources together to get counseling for those who will need it.

What I do know is that we have many issues that could have contributed to why this happened today.

1. violence in our culture is glorified.  Look at almost any movie that is out today.  I loved The Dark Knight movie.  But it was horribly violent.  It is far from the only that is.  Jaime Foxx was just making jokes last week that he killed all the white guys in his latest film due out on Christmas Day of all days.  
2. We live in a 24/7 news cycle in this country.  Where these incidents are plastered all over the news for days on end.  We have You Tube where any idiot can post things to make themselves look "cool".  We have an obsession with becoming rich and famous; in this case becoming infamous.
3. Mental Health issues are so stigmatized in this country that many people are unwilling to admit that they, or a loved one, has a problem that needs to be addressed.  I happen to live in a state that has a law that insurance companies must cover certain illnesses at a medical problem instead of a mental health problem.  Which many of them are.  Many other states do not have these laws.  They should.  Mental health care should not be something to be ashamed of.
4. People in the U.S. are largely uneducated about mental illness.  We make these assumptions that if you are not in need of straight jacket sitting in a rubber room that you some how are not really mentally ill.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I am a living example.  I have journals that I was writing in during one of my really downward spirals.  I was able to plan.  My plan was to kill myself and make it look like an accident.  I wanted to make my loved ones wonder.  It was some sick sense of revenge that I was going through at the time.
5. Yes, we have lost our moral compass in this country.  We have a culture that says if it feels good, do it.  We have become rude and that seems to increase almost daily.  We have lost respect for ourselves, for our communities, and for worst of all for each other.
6. Parenting, and I mean real parenting, is very lacking in this country.  Go to any mall in America and watch how children behave.  They run wild and parents do little to stop it.
7. We assign labels to virtually every childhood ill these days.  Autism, ADHD, and Aspbergers.  I don't deny this things exist, nor do I say that there are not children who honestly need to be medicated.  But many that are being medicated can very likely be more in need of a firm hand at home.  By that I don't mean spanking, I just mean a parent that is truly parenting.  Setting limits for your children is loving them and being the best parent you can be.  All children need boundaries.

I have said this before and sadly, I will have to say this again.  We fail people with mental illness in this country and we fail them in a big way.  Mental illness is not a something that you choose to have.  The same way you do not choose to have a heart problem.   It isn't something that you do to yourself.  It isn't an illness that is brought on by lifestyle choices.  It is a chemical imbalance in your brain.  That imbalance can make you hear voices.  It can make you so paranoid that you do quite literally put on a tin foil hat.  That saying came from something that is real.  Many believe that the televisions are sending signals to them.  It can make you barely be able to get out of bed, to cry incessantly.  You will over/under eat.  You will lose friends.  You will lose jobs.  You will have a difficult time holding relationships.  Another thing I have heard people say is that it is so selfish.  Why yes, yes it is.  That is another part of the illness.  You can't see beyond your own pain.  The rest of the world be damned.

Until we start having the difficult conversations in this country and talk about the underlying reasons that these shooting keep happening, all the gun control in the world won't change it.  I am all for common sense restrictions on guns.  We should have  a permitting system.  We should have background checks for mental illness and criminal activity.  But what we can't do is take guns away from law-abiding citizens that allow them to protect themselves.  Do I want to see every school in this country full of  armed people.  Heck no.  The idea of that repulses me.  But maybe we are getting to the point that at very least every school entrance must be locked on the outside and metal detectors are installed.  As sad as that makes me, it just may be necessary.  As I said, I grew up near Newtown, CT.  It is a sleepy little town that has virtually no crime.  It is a very family friendly environment.  It has one of the largest American flags in the town square that I have ever seen in my life.  The people in that town take pride in that flag.  On summer weekends people are watching their kids compete in sports and having neighborhood BBQ's.  It is the kind of town where most people know your business.  This is one of the places that hear about these things in a far away place.  The people who live there say to themselves how terrible, but go to bed feeling safe it will never happen to them.  But today it did.

So thanks heavens that Leslie, her children, and Graham all made it out ok today.  I am thankful for that.  But the time has well past that they have the difficult conversations and deal with the real problems instead of political talking points.

Loughner Pleads Guilty - Life Without Parole

First I would like to say that this is the best thing for the families involved.  They are going to be spared a trial.  They can close this horrible chapter as best they can and get on with the healing process; both physically and emotionally.

That said, this makes me sad that he will be spending the rest of his life in jail without parole.  Obviously guilt isn't an issue.  He did it.  What makes me sad is the belief that putting severely mentally ill people in jail for life without parole is the right thing to do.

Dr. Christina Pietz, a forensic psychologist, told the judge Tuesday that Loughner is "one of the worst" mentally ill patients she's ever seen.
But she continued, adding that Loughner has shown improvement and he's no longer in restraints. "He is competent to proceed," Pietz told the court.
He's no longer hearing voices, and he has no difficulty in understanding, Pietz said. Loughner is rational and able to consult with his attorneys, she said.

In high school he was showing signs of his illness.  He became ostracized and began a journey into darkness that people without a mental illness don't usually understand.  See I do understand it.  I have a mental illness.  I began showing symptoms when I was 13 years old.  My life has been difficult at times.  I too lost friends, lost boyfriends, and lost jobs.  I don't have a psychotic illness like this young man has.  I don't hear voices.  But I do live virtually everyday in a funk.  It has been explained to me by three different doctors like this.  On a scale of one to ten most people will normally fall between a 6 to an 8.  I fall from a 4 to a 6.  So your down days are my good days.  I have tried all kinds of different medications.  Some work better than others.  But none can get me out that of funk.  I personally don't see the point in the medication most of the time, but I still take it.  Because it helps keeping me from going into jags where I can't get out of bed and just cry endlessly.  I have experienced thoughts of suicide.  Not just thoughts, but very well thought out plans.  Every so often I go back and read this journal of sorts that I kept during that time period.  It is bizarre.

But the point is, I was able to plan.  People have this completely ridiculous belief that if you plan something that means that you can't possibly be mentally ill.  Want to read my journals?  They are proof positive that can and you do plan when you are experiencing even the worst of your mental illness.  Very few suicides are not well thought out.  Just look at Mary Kennedy recently, she waited until her children were not around.  That wasn't an accident.  She did that because even though in her mind she thought her children would be better off without her, she didn't want them to find her.  You would be amazed about the steps that people will take in order to take their own lives.  It is rarely something that is spur of the moment.

Let us just get down to brass tacks here.  Mental illness costs us as a society billions of dollars every year.  We jail people, we feed them when they are homeless, they end up on disability or welfare.  Many are able to function quite well the majority of the time.  Sadly, some are not.  Especially when you start getting into the more serious illnesses like Loughner has.  He hears voices, he is paranoid, he believes people are trying to harm him.  They are trying to implant things into his brain.

It isn't like these people just wake up one day are in full-blown mental illness.  It creeps up on you more slowly than that.  At least to the person it is happening to.  I can't speak for being the person watching it.  My family falls into the stigma bunch.  To this day they don't admit that I have problems.  It is too shameful I guess for them.  My sister-in-law once told me that she is too busy to be depressed.  Gee, I pencil it in to my weekly planner.  I no longer speak to her.  I have a friend who once told me that she didn't understand it all and was much like my mother's attitude of "get over it" until someone she was close to went into a really bad down cycle of his bi-polar disorder and had to be hospitalized.  He is an attorney.  He is obviously well-educated and high functioning most of the time.  But if his meds go off for whatever reason bad things happen.  Luckily he never hurt anyone else.

Loughner and his victims were not so lucky.  All the red flags were there.  The warning signals should have been on full alert to his teachers. and yes to his parents.  Everyone decided to close their eyes to what was happening to this young man.  He didn't choose this illness.  Believe me, no one would.  Nor could I think of anyone that I hate enough that I would wish this upon.  The drugs you take make you sick.  They give you gastrointestinal issues at first.  You get headaches, weight gain, you sometimes can't sleep, or other times can't stay awake.  The drugs for Loughner are far worse than anything I have ever had to endure.

I just ask myself as a society do we really feel that locking away a young man who is obviously ill is the best course of action? I also ask what responsibility do the people who had to have seen what was happening and did nothing have?    We need to stop acting like mental illness is a dirty word.  It is an illness no different from high blood pressure or diabetes.  The person who has it can't help it.  It has nothing to do with behavioral factors.  They deserve help and in many cases they get nothing but ridicule, or worse get ignored.  Loughner lived in a state that he could have been hospitalized.  His teachers or parents could have gotten him in front of judge for at least a 48 hour hold, and then could have kept him as long as 30 days.  The same was true of the Virginia Tech  shooter.  In those 30 days they can get a course of meds started.  Hell, Andrea Yates was told two days before she killed her five children by a doctor she needed to think happy thoughts.  They knew she was ill.  But they wouldn't keep her in a hospital.  Five beautiful children are dead.  Was not spending the money to keep her hospitalized the best course of action?  I certainly don't think so.  I bet those kids would love to have a chance of life.  At least two were old enough to at least somewhat understand what their own mother was doing to them.  Think of the horror of that.

I was reading some of the comments across the internet today on this case.  Many were saying he should fry.  One conservative actually said since he isn't curable he should be killed.  My illness isn't curable, should I worry that someone is going to come after me as a pre-cautionary measure?   Gee, that puts us in the same company as Saudi Arabia, Yemen, and Nigeria for killing the mentally ill.  Boy that is company we should want to be in huh?

There are no easy answers.  But virtually every time one of these mass shooting happens, we later find out that they are mentally ill and were giving up signs of it all the over the place.  Isn't time we start listening?

Quote of the Day - Jacqueline Jackson Edition

“We don’t believe a darn thing until we see it, you’re going to have to show us. We’re from Missouri. But young people also need to listen. They need to make themselves available to understand many of the illusions and the trinkets that are being dangled in front of their faces.”

Jacqueline Jackson, mother of Jesse Jackson Jr. talking about her son and his issues with a "mood disorder" due to his disappointments in life.  He was going to be a senator or Mayor of Chicago, and those didn't pan out.


Gee, it doesn't seem that she didn't teach that lesson to her son very well by the sound of this:

An IPad is not a human right.  To stand up on the floor of the house and spew this type of nonsense is exactly what gives people the "illusions" she is talking about.  You want an IPad, go out and work for it. 


As a side note, depression is a very serious illness that if left untreated can be fatal.  I wish him the best in his recovery.  

The Risk Factors of Mental Illness

This is the discussion we should be having instead of talking about Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin.  There are no easy answers to these problems, but we need to start asking the questions and changing our laws to get help to the families that have a mentally ill person who is so ill that they don't realize that they need medical intervention. 

What Has Gotten Lost - The Sad State of Mental Illness Awareness in America

The more that comes out about the Tucson shooter, the more disturbing the story becomes.  It seems pretty obvious that Jared is suffering from paranoid schizophrenia.  A horrible disease that takes over your life.  You hear voices that paint a picture of a world that is out to get to you.  You become convinced that some obscure and bizarre thing or person is out to get to you and then become fixated on it.  Sadly, in about 10% of cases that are left untreated have a violent end.

The reality is that only a small percentage of people suffering from untreated mental illness become violent, but when they do it is sometimes done on a large scale.  Three recent examples being Tucson, VA Tech, and LI Railroad.  All killed multiple people with a gun and all gave out plenty of red flags.  While no one can say for sure if medical intervention would have stopped it, the chances for these occurrences certainly would have decreased. 

This is especially true of both the VA Tech and Tucson shooters.  Virginia and Arizona both have laws on the books that allow medical intervention to occur.  In both cases, the shooters were allowed to fall between the cracks.  While it is true that Cho didn't seem to exhibit the same symptoms of schizophrenia, he was diagnosed with anxiety disorders and was evaluated by the mental health services at Virginia Tech after his roommate reported that he was talking about suicide.  The mental health clinic didn't follow up properly when he would miss appointments, even though they had the legal right to do so.

Back in the 1960's a movement by civil rights advocates took afoot in this country with the goal of stopping the forced institutalization of people in mental health wards.  Most of these wards were barely better than a prison cell and some of the patients could have easily functioned in the outside world with outpatient care.  The laws were all skewed towards keeping the patient in the hospital, even if it was against their will (did you see the move girl interrupted?).  Many patients were given shock treatments and suffered horrible treatment.  Advocates wanted this treatment to stop.  The problem has become that we swung the pendulum too far in the other direction.  The usual unintended consequences of government intervention. 

There are no easy answers to these problems.  There are no cures for many mental illnesses, just courses of treatment with medication.  There will be some mentally ill that will not stay on a course of medication unless you force it upon them.  Many of these medications have severe side effects that can be very unpleasant.  Since schizophrenics usually hear voices, those voices become almost friends and the patient is reluctant to have them stop, as carrying on regular relationships are at best difficult.  So those voices become almost like a comfort to them. 

Studies show that approximately 40% of the homeless suffer from mental illness.  How many times have you seen a homeless person on the street that is talking to themselves?  Ask yourself how much money we spend on food and shelter to address the homeless population.  A 2007 study by the U.S. Justice Department found that 56% of state prisoners, 45% of federal prisoners, and 64% of local jail inmates suffer from mental illnesses.  How much money are spending to keep these people imprisoned?  With percentages this high it must run into the billions.  Wouldn't this money be more wisely spent on treating these people?  While it is likely that some of these people will commit crimes anyway, but if you could cut it down by even 50%, that is a huge money savings.  Think about if we can get most of these people treated and they become self sufficient citizens, it would only improve our society. 



I don't think anyone is advocating going back to the practices of the 50's and 60's, but something needs to be done.  One of the things that we can do quite easily to educate ourselves about the topic of mental illness and discuss it openly.  There is still a stigma attached to the mentally ill.  This may be one of the reasons that Jared's Parents did not get the help their child so obviously needed. 

In less than four years two major shootings have occurred.  38 people are dead.  While this is a very tiny number in a country as vast in size of America, these are just two examples that got national news, how many others have occurred that we don't hear about?  In both of these cases the localities have been let down by the people who are in charge of protecting the communities.  There is no way to say that either of these shootings wouldn't have occurred had medical intervention been done, but we can say with 100% certainty that without it they most definitely did occur.  I am more than a little heartsick that this isn't the discussion that our nation is having instead of the political bashing that instead has taken over, mental illness has no political leanings. It happens to people from all cultures, all political persuasions, it can happen to any family.  While I am sure that the left and right will disagree on how to tackle this problem, but shouldn't we at least be talking about this instead of blaming/defending Gov. Palin?  She seems to be perfectly capable of defending herself. 


Crossposted at PotLuck

The Mental Health Excuse

The American Psychiatric Association will be releasing an updated of version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V). The things that are being considered to be added as psychiatric disorders are overeating, gambling and compulsive sex acts. These are to be added to give “better diagnoses and treatments.”



I don’t like to get too personal with my blog. But I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. I have had symptoms of depression since my freshman year in high school. It has radically changed the trajectory of my life. I have lost friendships and relationships due to my problems with depression. For the longest time it was misdiagnosed. Once I finally got the proper diagnosis and was put on medication, things greatly improved in my life. So needless to say I have great respect for the psychiatric community. It literally has saved my life. There is no doubt in my mind that had I not gotten therapy I would have committed suicide in my mid twenties. In my early thirties after my first bout with cancer my downward spiral started again. I was put on medication that again probably saved my life. I have been told that in my case it is genetic, and there are other people in my extended family that have suffered from severe depression problems.


My life is no different than anyone else’s in many respects. I have had both good and bad times. I have had financial problems, medical problems, and have had heartbreaks. My issues have been that they are a little harder for me to bounce back from. Overtime I have learned how to recognize when I am having issues more quickly which allows me to make the proper decisions about what I need to do. This is due to the mostly good medical help that I received over a ten year period.


I also truly believe that if mental health issues were more directly dealt with in this country, many social ills would be reduced. Many people that have underlying mental health problems commit crimes, become addicted to drugs and alcohol. There is a great deal of frustration involved when you have mental health problems. Society at large is not very accepting. There is still a stigma to admit that you have problems. I knew a girl who was suffering from schizophrenia; she did some very strange things before being hospitalized. She purposely hurt close friends and became destructive in many ways. After she was finally diagnosed many people still didn’t forgive her. Which I found very sad, she did not do those things on purpose. She needed help.


While I will be the first to say that compulsive behavior has some underlying pathology involved, it certainly doesn’t explain all behavior. These types of diagnoses have hidden dangers. These are the type of things that affect your life insurance rates, your health insurance rates, can be used in job related discrimination if they show up in background checks, and ultimately be used as yet one more excuse to justify bad behavior. Some people are addicts because of weakness. Some people overeat because they have no self control; people cheat on their spouses because they are selfish.


We need to be careful before we start giving a diagnosis to every ill in human nature. Not every human weakness should be attached to mental illness. At some point we need to admit that humans are flawed. We do things without thinking about the affect we have on other people, not because we have a mental illness. It seems that we are constantly trying to justify bad behavior and find some sort of quick fix to explain the problem. By giving a diagnosis to every little thing we are taking away personal responsibility from our lives. How much further do we go down this road? The most important question is where does this road lead? At this rate, we will just have people that do whatever they want, and take no responsibility whatsoever for their actions. That is not something that we should be promoting.