The Further Criminalization of Your Parental Choices

Danielle and Alexander Meitiv were recently investigated by the police and child welfare for allowing their two children, aged 10 and 6, to walk home from the park without them.  The walk is approximately one mile in length.  A person, who very likely thought they were doing a good deed, saw the children and called the police.  
The Meitiv's live in Silver Spring, Maryland, a suburb of Washington, DC.  The law in Maryland states that a child under the age of 8 cannot be home alone without someone who is at least 13-years-old.  It says nothing about being outside of your home.  But that didn't stop the police.  Now, I want to be clear, the police aren't really to blame here.  They were called.  They had to respond.  They followed the law, as is their job.  With children they are also most likely obligated to contact Child Protective Services.  

Child Protective Services were contacted and came to check out the parents and the safety of the children.  When CPS arrived at their home, they were interrogated and told not to allow the children out alone unsupervised.  They were told that they were being investigated for neglect.  They were basically told do as your told, or your children will be taken away.  

CPS has finished their investigation and the outcome is "unsubstantiated child neglect".  Whatever the heck that really means I'm not sure, but for these parents they are now in the cross hairs of CPS for the next five years.  That is not a typo.  For the next five years, they will be continually monitored for child abuse.  Insert primal scream here.  

It matters none if you agree with their parenting style, known as Free Range Parenting.  It matters none if you would feel safe letting your children walk a mile on their own.  What matters is do you want the state to have this type of power over your choices as a parent?  

Now, when I was kid I was not driven to my middle school on a daily basis. Unless the weather was bad, we walked.  I can't tell you how long of a walk that was, but I figure it had to be at least a mile, if not a little more.  I also walked through a wooded area when I did it.  I did this twice a day for three years.  I grew up in one of the few states that allows you to have your late in the year birthday kids start school when they are four, if you choose.  My mother did make that choice because I already knew how to read and she felt I was ready.  That means I was ten when I started middle school.  So was my mother guilty of neglect when I was walking to school?  I guess I might have thought so at the time if it was snowing or raining out.   

Here are the facts, the rates of children being abducted by strangers is down by more than 35%.  A child is in much more danger of being in accident while you are driving them to school instead of letting them walk.  Do we start telling parents who drive their kids to school are guilty of neglect because the odds are far greater of being hurt than they are if they walked instead?  

Parents need to let children grow, mature, and learn responsibility.  How each parent chooses to do that is going to vary.  But it is part and parcel of the parenting experience.  Today, we are seeing more and more parents who are constantly on top of their children.  The so-called helicopter parents.  The parents who are so engaged with their children and their activities that we hear stories about them involving themselves in the job interview process.  

Government is getting larger and larger.  It is getting more and more intrusive.  A government that can swoop in and decide that a parent isn't allowed to make a choice about a short walk home from the park is a government that is way too large.  A government that now has the right to investigate these parents for the next five years is a government that I don't want.  

I am not sure I would let a ten and six-year-old walk a mile on their own.  I lived outside of Washington, DC for many years.  I know the Silver Spring area fairly well.  The children were walking on Georgia Avenue, it is a major roadway that normally has a great deal of traffic.  But what I don't know is the maturity levels of these children.  There will be ten-year-olds that are very likely ready for that walk.  
But I do know that I don't think that act alone is a good enough reason for this family to be investigated continuously for the next five years.  Has anyone thought that these children are going to become distrustful of police now?  How is that a good thing?  

These children have learned a valuable lesson.  A government that is large can do almost anything.  I hope they carry this with them into adulthood.  

Why the Attack on the Obama Girls Matters

Elizabeth Lauten, former PR representative for Congressman Stephen Fincher(R) of Tennessee, has resigned from her job after an facebook posting on the Obama girls went viral.  

“Dear Sasha and Malia, I get you’re both in those awful teen years, but you’re a part of the First Family, try showing a little class. At least respect the part you play. Then again your mother and father don’t respect their positions very much, or the nation for that matter, so I’m guessing you’re coming up a little short in the ‘good role model’ department. Nevertheless, stretch yourself. Rise to the occasion. Act like being in the White House matters to you. Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at a bar. And certainly don’t make faces during televised public events.

The hashtag #fireelizabethlauten was trending on twitter for a time and this facebook post got a great deal of media attention.  It likely got way more attention that it deserved, but it did deserve some attention.  One of the things that makes me a conservative is the fact that I believe in family and family values.  I want to associate myself with those that have those same beliefs.  Now I am not saying that only conservatives have family values and that my definition of what that means is the only true definition.  I know plenty of liberals who are great parents and put a great deal of time and effort in being the best parents and want the same types of things for the next generation that I do.  But I don't believe that the democrats put family first, I think they put government first.  That I strongly disagree with and I am willing to stand up and fight against it.  I believe that putting government first gets in the way of forging strong family bonds that is a cornerstone of society.  

Do I think that losing her job was really necessary?  There is a part of me that says no, but deep down I have to say I agree with the decision of her leaving her position as the Public Relations person for a sitting congressman.  A congressman who has a section on website labeled Christian Values.  Since when did a grown PR professional attacking a 13 and 16-year-old girl become a Christian Value?  

I am getting a little sick and tired of hearing, well what about the Bush girls?  What about the Palin children?  I have written extensively on how young children of people running for high office should be off limits.  They have made no choice in the matter of what their parents do.  I have also been quite clear that I hold people who have young children running for high office with more than just a tad of suspicion.  I question the judgement of people putting their kids in that type of fishbowl.  Because that is exactly what it is.  But in any event, I don't care to play a game of tit for tat.  It is unseemly at best.  Nor does it actually solve anything.  

If the base of the GOP want the party to represent family values; which many do, then start acting like you respect them yourself.  Saying that a 13-year-old is dressed for a bar because of the length of her skirt doesn't quite have that feeling of respecting families to me.  

Politics, much like reality, is largely about perception.  The perception for Congressman Fincher is that he had a PR person that didn't care all that much for those values that he runs on.  Those values that have led him to a life a public service.  Those values that are supposed to be a guiding force in the votes that he casts not just for his own district, but those that could affect every American across the country.  

While it may not "fair" that Ms. Lauten lost her job, it is the perception of what she did that made it impossible for her to continue to work for a person that says he cares about families and Christian values.  More to the point, life isn't fair.  It never has been and it never will be. 

I don't want to people who give me lip service about those values.  I don't want people who decide that taking the moral high ground is too much work.  Yes the left goes after the children of conservatives.  David Letterman paid virtually no price for going after Willow Palin.  But David Letterman is self-employed and doesn't work for a sitting member of congress, whereas Elizabeth did.  Trying to compare the two is apples and oranges.  

If conservatives want to fight for family values, standing by a young woman who felt that is was acceptable to go after two underage teenagers isn't the way to go about it.  

Ms. Lauten will be just fine.  She will find another position.  The notoriety that she has received from this almost guarantees that.  But people justifying her behavior, and sadly some are, will only serve to give the calls of hypocrite more credence.  Actually take a stand for the values that you say you believe in, even when someone on your "side" makes an error in judgement makes an unwarranted attack on children.  If not, don't talk about your family and Christian values.  You obviously don't really mean it, it is just lip service.  This isn't about elections, this isn't about winning or losing, it is about right and wrong.  Leave underage children of politicans alone.  

Open Letter to Amy Glass

Amy Glass, who I am assuming is a feminist, wrote a blog post entitled I look down on Young Women With Husbands and Kids and I'm Not Sorry.  Now, I think that she and I agree that not every person, whether it be man or woman should become a spouse, let alone a parent.  Neither of these tasks are easy and some people just don't have the capabilities of doing it well.  She seems to think that getting married and having children is the easiest thing in the world:

 Having kids and getting married are considered life milestones. We have baby showers and wedding parties as if it’s a huge accomplishment and cause for celebration to be able to get knocked up or find someone to walk down the aisle with. These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. They are, by definition, average. And here’s the thing, why on earth are we settling for average?

If these things were so easy why do we see the skyrocketing rates of people using dating sites and fertility clinics?  Yes, it is the easiest thing in the world to go out and date and find that person who actually makes your life feel more complete.  The person you can be totally honest with, even when you know they aren't going to like what you have to say is the easiest thing in the world to find.  I mean just open up your front door and the lines of people to choose from is a massive one.  

 I would love for her to go and say that to woman who has health problems that make it impossible for her to conceive.  Go talk to the couples who spend virtually their entire life savings to have fertility treatments to make the dream of being a parent come true and see what they have to say.  Once they get done slapping her silly they may have calmed down enough to laugh in her face.  Getting pregnant would seem like an easy task, but for many it is Mission Impossible.  Go sit with a woman who is doing everything under the sun to get pregnant when her period arrives and watch the tears and the feelings of inadequacy that she haunted by. Talk to a man who finds out his swimmers don't do the job that God and biology intended them to do.  Many men that I know that are having problems conceiving don't want to get tested, even though the test for the man is much more simple, straightforward, and far less invasive.  

 Go and talk to the woman who does want to be married and have a family but is in her thirties and tell her it is an easy task that "literally anyone can do them".  Some people who remain unmarried aren't that way by choice.  That is their reality and they eventually make the best of it, or one would hope.  Many married couples that don't have children, aren't childless by choice.  That is the fate they were dealt and become the best Aunties and Uncles that they can be to their siblings and friends kids.  

  You will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to be exceptional if you have a husband and kids.

What makes her think that women without a husband and children are exceptional?  I work with a woman who was never married nor did she have children.  She works two jobs and barely supports herself.  She is on public assistance in the form of food stamps.  She is bitter woman who is angry, especially when she says out loud that most of her problems she created for herself with the choices she made in life.  The simple act of not getting married and becoming a parent isn't an automatic entry into the world of exceptionalism.  

 Is a woman who gives up  on the idea of marriage and family to become a professional woman automatically exceptional?  Say this woman is the VP of marketing for some large international firm and is really good at her job but has no family to share this with as she ages more exceptional than the stay at home mom who raised a child to become one of those teachers.  You know the one that I am talking about.  The teacher that really affects a child and helps that child see something in themselves that they wouldn't have otherwise.  We all had that teacher.  I know in my case I had several.  The most remarkable thing about that teacher is that they didn't just give that light to one child, they gave it to many.  One of my high school reunions just recently passed, I am not going to say which one, but one of my "that teacher" attended the get together.  Just judging by the people who hugged him and the amount of photos taken of him that splashed across my Facebook page the next day shows it wasn't just me that looked at him as "that teacher".  He helped hundreds, if not thousands, of young adults feel better about themselves and find their own way in the world.  Isn't the woman who put the energy into raising such a man just as exceptional?  I say yes she is.  

 Obviously Ms. Glass has no children.  Otherwise she would never with a straight face say that it is easy.  Child rearing is one of the hardest jobs in the world.  You worry that every little thing that you do is going to influence them (which in most cases is true) and you second guess the choices that you make when something goes wrong.  I would love to see her try to comfort a small child that is feeling ill, especially when the older sibling is in the other room pulling all the toilet paper off the roll while you are attending to the child that wants nothing else but the comfort of mommy due to a fever or cold.  

 I have strong feelings that children should have a stay at home parent if at all possible.  I have no issue with a man being that parent that stays at home, if that is what works better for that particular family.  I am a realist, I understand perfectly well that it isn't always an option.  Life doesn't always work out that way.  Nor do I dismiss that fact that many women today want to work even if they could financially stay at home.  They feel they are a better parent by going out into the world and being productive at a job and bringing home at least part of the family income.  I do happen to believe it is best for the child to have a parent who is involved in the life of the child.  But I also understand that not all stay at home parents are good ones.  It all comes down to putting the work and the effort into raising a child to become a happy and productive adult.  That is something that can be done in a variety of ways and there is no one "right" way.  Every child is an individual and has their own needs that don't necessarily line up with the needs of other families.  

 But it is more than just a little insulting to hear another woman say that children and marriage is what keeps you from being exceptional.  For some people being exceptional is nothing more than being the best possible parent and the person who always had a clean home that was ready for anyone that dropped by.  

 I also must ask is the women who clean homes for a living lacking in the exceptional department as well?  After all they aren't doing much of anything according to this logic.  I guess they are just serfs who live to make the exceptional women such as she is lives a little easier so they can spend their energy being exceptional at their much more important jobs.  Seriously, how elitist is this woman?  There is no other way to take her little post other than a person who cleans homes is loser.  

 I hear women talk about how “hard” it is to raise kids and manage a household all the time. I never hear men talk about this. It’s because women secretly like to talk about how hard managing a household is so they don’t have to explain their lack of real accomplishments. Men don’t care to “manage a household.” They aren’t conditioned to think stupid things like that are “important.”

Feminists seem to have this real disconnect when it comes to men.  That somehow they don't feel the guilt and they don't question what they are doing and how it affects their families.  Many men who travel a great deal with their jobs feel just as guilty that they aren't there for their kids.  They don't like missing virtually every soccer game.  They also seem to have this disconnect that children don't feel like something is missing from their lives because their dads are too busy working to have time for the little things that matter to them.  I guess those little goals and events that kids feel are important aren't exceptional enough for Ms. Glass.  

 My brother, who grew up with a father that didn't attend games or pretty much anything else, promised himself he would be a different kind of dad.  He has three boys that were all active in sports while they were growing up.  He rarely missed a practice, let alone a game.  My eldest nephew would sometimes get crazy over the fact that his father was "always around".  This kid also went to a private Catholic school.  He was involved with church group within the school.  One of the exercises they did in this group was to have the kids sit face to face and tell the other kid what they envied about them.  One of the kids told my nephew how jealous he was that his father was always at the games.  You see his father was an executive with some big corporation that required long hours and travel.  Yes, those kids had financial advantages that my nephew certainly didn't have, as my brother is on a much more limited budget, but what he got in return was time.  Which is really more exceptional?  I would have to say that putting the time into being the very best parent you can be as opposed to having a big house and large bank account is the far better choice.  But what do I know?  Obviously my life wouldn't rate as exceptional.  

My final quesiton would be, who is having all these exceptional young women?  Are only non-exceptional women giving birth and raising all these mighty exceptional women?  How is that even logical?  

Slippery Slope of Liberalism Part 9

So many mistreated babies and kids with Downs live terrible lives. Instead of throwing resources at a nonviable fetus, why can't the church help children with Down syndrome that are already alive? Because anti-abortion folks care more about fetuses with fairytale narratives than actual babies.

So says Katie Baker of Jezebel.  She is unhappy about the Down's Syndrome baby that isn't going to be aborted but instead adopted because a Catholic priest decided to try to give the birth parents another alternative besides abortion.  

It is any wonder that people are disgusted by the sometime rabid views of pro-abortion crowd?  Simply because a child has Down's Syndrome, it is called a "nonviable" fetus.  How exactly is this "fetus" nonviable?  This child is going to a set of parents that not only willing to do the extra work that a special needs child requires, they want to do it.  They made a choice to raise this child.  They have their eyes wide open as they went out of their way to make a choice to raise this child.  

So you see abortion isn't really about choice, because the birth parents and the adoptive parents have the made the "choice" to give this child life and yet they are still being called wrong and being ridiculed.  It is about weeding out the weakest amongst us.  A child with special needs can't possibly have anything to offer the world, so kill them.  It isn't enough that the vast majority of babies who are diagnosed are killed through abortion.  Apparently they won't be happy until the 92% actually becomes 100%.  

What this author also doesn't seem to understand is how much work that Catholic church does, not just in America, but worldwide to try to stop suffering.  All over this country you will find food banks, homeless shelters, clothing drives, and the like as outreach to the poor. One of the things that Catholic Charities excels at is hard to place adoptions.  They are able to find homes for children that state has given up on and normally will be housed in a state-run facility.  They want all children to have a healthy and happy environment.  I have a friend who adopted through Catholic charities, the mother became pregnant again.  They were contacted and asked if they wanted to raise their son's sibling.  They do everything they can to try to keep families together, give to the poor, and help the downtrodden.  But I guess since it isn't a government program it is no good.  

Social Media Saves the Life of Unborn Baby with Down's

An unidentified couple was told the news that their unborn baby has Down's Syndrome.  For whatever reasons the couple decided not to raise the child and was looking into abortion.  A Catholic priest from Virginia heard the story and appealed to the couple to put the child up for adoption.  The couple was willing to do that, but they had only a very short period of time before the window for available abortions would be closed to them.  

The Church decided to use social media to try and find a couple that would open their hearts and their homes to a special needs child for a lifetime.  

“There is a couple in another state who have contacted an adoption agency looking for a family to adopt their Down Syndrome unborn baby. If a couple has not been found by today they plan to abort the baby. If you are interested in adopting this baby please contact Fr. VW IMMEDIATELY.  We are asking all to pray for this baby and the wisdom that this couple realize the importance of human life and do not abort this beautiful gift from God.”

The response they received was overwhelming to the point they had to call in volunteers to help field all the calls and emails that they received; more than 900 emails and a phone that rang off the hook all day.  People did open their hearts to that precious unborn baby who was facing imminent death through a late term abortion.  

They have narrowed it down to three families and the couple, along with a adoption agency, are screening these couples to make a decision as who would be best able to raise this child with the love and dignity it deserves.  

One of the many things that is told to people out there is that no one will adopt a special needs child.  That simply isn't true.  Many families out there have raised children of their own, and for whatever reason feel a calling to raise a special needs child after being so blessed with other children.  Some families have been in a waiting line that can sometimes stretch by years waiting for "healthy" child and realize that they can love a child with Down's just as easily as they would love a "normal" baby.  In fact, many people realize that adoption is a much easier process if they are willing to take children that may be a little older, bi-racial, or special needs.  They want to love a child and to have a family.  

Raising a child with special needs is more challenging, but the rewards of it are great.  

The next time a pro-choice person insists that pro life people aren't interested in helping children once they are born, this will give them some pause.  If you find yourself in a situation that you are daunted by, just go to your local church and talk to them.  They will help find you a family that will not only raise your child, but love them unconditionally.  

God Bless this couple for reaching out and looking for another solution before ending the life of their baby and bless the people who stepped up and reached out to give a home to child in need.  

This is how you change hearts and minds about abortion.  

Twins are Ruining My Life - Mom Speaks after Dad's Essay

You may remember the dad that was wishing away the impending birth of his twins.  His wife has decided to speak out as well:

 I don't want to read the message boards that talk about what a joy twins are and how it's so worth it and how "this too will pass" and what a blessing it is. When I complain that this pregnancy feels extremely more difficult than my first one, I don't want to hear another doctor say, "Well it's different - there are two." None of this makes me feel any better. Quite frankly, it just pisses me off.

Before pursuing fertility I was a positive person, a cheerleader type with the mindset that everything happens for a reason. Now I find my mindset has shifted. While I am grateful we are pregnant, I am changed. There has been too much pain, too much struggle, and not enough learning. The "glass half full" person is no longer. The twins are coming fast, and I don't feel a sense of joy. Instead, I feel responsible. We only wanted one.

She doesn't want to read on message boards about the joy of the situation?  Well. one must ask why did you and your husband decide to make your complaints so publicly?  Do you think you are doing some sort of public service by talking about how you don't really want both of the children that you are carrying?

There is no denying that it is somewhat human nature not to be able to see another point of view when you are going through an emotional time.  But the selfishness of both of these people is nothing short of stunning.  At least her husband didn't put his name on his essay, but the wife decided to put it out there for all the world to see.  One of the biggest problems with that is that it will last forever and it may very well be read by her children one day.

I don't have twins so I have no idea what that is like.  But I do have several friends who do.  If they felt this way, they certainly didn't share it with me.  One of my friends that had twins didn't use fertility drugs/procedures, which would make it even more of a shock when it did happen.  Using fertility drugs does make it more likely that you will have multiple babies.  That is part of the process that was fully explained to this couple.  They admit that themselves.

But I will tell you I was a person who desperately wanted children, I got ovarian cancer at a relatively young age and that dream was not very likely to come true.  It was heartbreaking.  I know people who have tried virtually everything under the sun to have a biological child and it just won't happen.  It is not in God's plan.  These families would give their eye tooth to be in this position.

It seems that the desire to have additional children was not even something that they necessarily wanted:

Yet despite these challenges, we still wanted another child - a sibling for our son, mind you, not so much for us. We spent the next two years trying to conceive. Every month when I would get my period, I didn't just feel grief or disappointment - I was losing hope. I was exhausted and depressed. The emotional pain was incomprehensible to me. I was eroding as a person, losing weight and not being the best mom, wife, or professional.

Did this woman think that having even one newborn with a three-year old would be easy?  Newborns need a great deal of attention, feedings, diaper changes, hugs, baths, and everything else that goes with it.  It would never be easy even if you had only one child.  You don't have a child simply because you think your existing child needs a sibling.  That isn't a very good reason.

I wonder how much strain having two infants at the same time will put on my marriage and older son. We are not rich. We work hard to provide a good life for our son, and we have dreams, as all families do, of going to Disney, college, etc. I worry about how much of our attention and resources will be taken away from our firstborn. We also now need a bigger car and a bigger house. What had I done?

I thought of colic, and the change that postpartum depression had inflicted on me the first time around. Why would the universe, God, karma, whatever, whomever think it was a good idea to bring forth twins in our lives? When would anything go my way? Before I had children, it seems like it used to.

None of my friends that have twins are rich either.  They make due.  But it seems pretty clear that it comes down to this:

I completely acknowledge that for many, the journey to conceive is more difficult than our story. I realize better people than me are out there feeling joyful and benefiting from a far sunnier perspective. For anyone who is worried about me and my husband, our son brings us a ton of joy. We are always amazed by how much we love him, and I'm sure this indescribable love will extend to his brothers. But for now, I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Worried about you and your husband?  Honey, don't you realize that most people are worried about your three sons?  They are the issue here, not how things are not going your way.

If these parents don't realize that there are many, many childless couples that would happily adopt one of those boys, they are sadly mistaken.

Unreal.

Love for Your Mom – Even When it isn’t Easy

This weekend is always hard for me.  Mother's Day isn't exactly one of my favorites of the year.  My mother and I don't get along, at all.  Matter of fact we have barely spoken for about five years now.  The easiest thing would be to just act like it isn't happening, denial always being a good escape for the things you don't want to face.  But that rarely helps anything or anyone.  

My parents marriage was difficult, and I think I am being kind by saying that.  My father was the town drunk and while my parents never divorced she had to carry the weight of caring for the house and the kids basically on her own.  Now, as a child I couldn't see that.  I just saw the chaos and the turmoil.  I resented it and I resented her.  Giving my father a pass was easier in a way because you could always point to his drinking problems as the root cause of why he behaved the way he did.  The other parent, well that isn't so easy.  

In my late teens and early twenties I did a great deal of reading on co-dependant relationships and people with substance abuse problems.  Her reactions weren't all that uncommon.  Matter of fact my family reacted "normally" for the situation.  For some strange reason children of substance abusers seem to find each other as adults.  Most children end up either a substance abuser or married to one, the number is something like close to 70%.  I am neither.  But I have played around on the edges of both.  I rarely drink today, but that wasn't always the case.  I also was engaged to a man who not only drank but used drugs as well.  It was all part of my quest to find a man that would "stop" for me.  I grew up, got over it, and removed him from my life.  Of course it wasn't as easy as that, but as painful as it was I did it.  But oddly, instead of helping me understand my mother's predicament better, it made me resent her more.  I walked away, why couldn't she?  

My mother is also one of those highly critical people.  Nothing I did ever seemed to be good enough.  Right down to the nail polish color I used was criticized.  Nothing I have ever done was ever good enough.  I was one of the first people in my family to graduate college.  I thought that would be a big one.  That would get me some loving approval right?  Wrong.  She didn't even come to my college graduation.  It wasn't that "big of a deal".  I was once told that no decent man would want me, nor would I be a good mother.  Those hurtful comments along with my depression had a great effect on how I view the world as well as how I view myself.  

I spent a great deal of my life looking for that approval, and many cases I looked in all the wrong places.  It has taken a long time to let the bitterness of it all go.  I am not even sure if it is really all gone, but I can deal with better; now that we don't talk.  I can keep it over there.  Out of sight, out of mind so to speak.  Not the really the best plan, but it has worked for me.  It has allowed me to move on and get to a better place in my life.  To have relationships that are built on mutual respect instead of a quest for approval.  

But underneath it all, the desire to love my mom as openly as many others do is still there.  I also now know that if you spoke to my mom she would tell you how amazing I am.  She tells people that I have a kind heart, that I am intelligent, and the amazement that she had that I ended up working in politics and the passion that I have for it.  She worries about me constantly.  You see we have this odd sort of communication.  Mutual friends unfairly get put in the middle of this ongoing battle and they keep us informed of the happenings in each others lives, since I have no communication with any of my family at all.  

My mother is getting up there in years and she won't be around forever.  I know in my head that the time to make peace is now.  I never had that chance with my dad.  While it shouldn't have been, his death was very unexpected and seemed so sudden.  He had health problems, but I guess I always expected his exit of the world to be far more dramatic than sitting down and dying while he was preparing dinner.  It was so ordinary and pedestrian to the point that it threw my whole family off.  I have always believed he knew it was coming, he called many people shortly before his death, and by shortly I mean hours and minutes even.  My phone call came about one hour prior.  He called to tell me I had mail at his house.  Very odd.  

I have figured out that now no matter what your relationship to your parent is, the draw to them is always there.  The desire to have a loving relationship is too strong to deny.  Now, there will be times that having that relationship will be unhealthy, but it doesn't change the need to have it.  You will always miss it.  You will always mourn that you don't have it.  

I could pick up the phone this weekend, but I doubt I will.  I can use the excuse that I don't have her phone number.  But I know I can get easily, if I wanted to.  I am still not ready.  I am still scared to open up that can of worms and find that the pain is still too real.  But I can openly and honestly say that I love my mother.  That I miss not having a relationship with her, and that I think my life would more complete if we were closer.  

So Happy Mother's Day to  a woman who isn't easy, has brought a great deal of pain into my life, but is still my mom.  

An Ode to Step Mothers on Mother's Day

This weekend across the country countless people will be paying tribute to their Moms, as they should.  Moms are very important in our lives.  Most moms give everything they have to raise their children to be healthy, happy, well-adjusted adults.  They are an integral part of our childhoods and society as a whole.  But sadly, not many will be talking about the role of step mothers.

We live in a society, for good or for bad, that have many blended families.  The divorce rates show that.  In a perfect world we would raise our children in the nuclear family, but we don't live in a perfect world.  Without getting into the right and wrong of this phenomenon we have to accept that it exists.

More and more people are getting married later in life and putting off having children.  Sadly many women that put off having children then find themselves in the unfortunate situation of not being able to conceive on their own.  In many cases these women are just the "stepmom".

Step-Mothers have gotten a bad rap for longest time now.  Some of that is well deserved I am sure.  But many women out there are doing extraordinary things in helping to raise children into adulthood.  There are giving their all in helping their husbands parent, yet they are told by society that they don't know what it is like to be a "mom".

Giving birth isn't what really makes you a mommy.  Being one of those is a very different thing than being a mother.  Being there for a child is a very rewarding experience, even considering how hard it is.  Most parents wouldn't trade their kids for anything in the world.  I wish I could say all parents would say that, but they don't.

Many women out there put everything they have into raising kids that they didn't give birth to, sometimes in very difficult circumstances.  They are subjected to children who look at them as the impediment that is keeping their parents apart and sometimes the former spouses do everything possible to keep children feeling that way.  Sadly many children are put in the middle of love that has gone bad.  That is a very difficult situation to find yourself in when you are trying to make a relationship work and deal with children that are not your own.

Step children in many cases have developed trust issues due to the break-up of their parents, which is perfectly understandable.  The Step Mom must overcome these issues as well as dealing with her own day-to-day stresses of everyday life.

Step mom's still deal with sick children, homework, the temper tantrums, the balancing of work and family, and in many cases does this without the credit from the rest of society.  She is often put in the position that she has to bite her tongue to keep the peace and she makes many of the same sacrifices that any parent must make.

So for those that have step parents in their lives just remember they deserve a little call out this weekend as well.

Over Parenting our Way to Demise

I have long felt that as a society we have lost our way.  I also truly believe that a great deal of this is about parenting.  We over parent our children to the point that they feel they are owed something.  A friend is a nursery school teacher and she pointed me towards this article aptly named A Nation of Wimps.  

I think that is an accurate name for what is going on in our society. Everyone is trying to protect their children to the point that we not allowing them to grow and mature.  

Behold the wholly sanitized childhood without skinned knees or the occasional C in history. "Kids need to feel badly sometimes," says child psychologist David Elkind, professor at Tufts University. "We learn through experience and we learn through bad experiences. Through failure we learn how to cope."

Yes, failing at times is a good thing.  We learn from it.  Children at some point are going to become an adult that will have to make choices, and not all of those choices will be good ones.  Having a few failures gives them the background to figure out what choices are better than others.  I will fully admit that sometimes all the choices are bad, but you still have to learn which choices will give the best possible outcome.  

No one doubts that there are significant economic forces pushing parents to invest so heavily in their children's outcome from an early age. But taking all the discomfort, disappointment and even the play out of development, especially while increasing pressure for success, turns out to be misguided by just about 180 degrees. With few challenges all their own, kids are unable to forge their creative adaptations to the normal vicissitudes of life. That not only makes them risk-averse, it makes them psychologically fragile, riddled with anxiety. In the process they're robbed of identity, meaning and a sense of accomplishment, to say nothing of a shot at real happiness. Forget, too, about perseverance, not simply amoral virtue but a necessary life skill. These turn out to be the spreading psychic fault lines of 21st-century youth. Whether we want to or not, we're on our way to creating a nation of wimps.

Every parent wants what is best for their children.  It is instinct to hope that your child will live a life that is "easier" than you did.  But the fact remains that every life will have disappointments, failures, and expectations that won't be reached.  It happens to all of us.  You need to teach your children the ability to pick themselves up and brush themselves off.  There will come a time that you will not be there for them.  

College, it seems, is where the fragility factor is now making its greatest mark. It's where intellectual and developmental tracks converge as the emotional training wheels come off. By all accounts, psychological distress is rampant on college campuses. It takes a variety of forms, including anxiety and depression—which are increasingly regarded as two faces of the same coin—binge drinking and substance abuse, self-mutilation and other forms of disconnection. The mental state of students is now so precarious for so many that, says Steven Hyman, provost of Harvard University and former director of the National Institute of Mental Health, "it is interfering with the core mission of the university."
The severity of student mental health problems has been rising since 1988, according to an annual survey of counseling center directors. Through 1996, the most common problems raised by students were relationship issues. That is developmentally appropriate, reports Sherry Benton, assistant director of counseling at Kansas State University. But in 1996, anxiety overtook relationship concerns and has remained the major problem. The University of Michigan Depression Center, the nation's first, estimates that 15 percent of college students nationwide are suffering from that disorder alone.

I read something recently that talked about the percentage of parents that expected a phone call from their children who were out of the home attending college.  I can't remember the exact number but it was about half of parents surveyed.  How exactly do these kids learn to do things for themselves when Mommy and Daddy are still keeping tabs on everything that they are doing?  

Some of this is showing up in very disturbing ways:

Relationship problems haven't gone away; their nature has dramatically shifted and the severity escalated. Colleges report ever more cases of obsessive pursuit, otherwise known as stalking, leading to violence, even death. Anorexia or bulimia in florid or subclinical form now afflicts 40 percent of women at some time in their college career. Eleven weeks into a semester, reports psychologist Russ Federman, head of counseling at the University of Virginia, "all appointment slots are filled. But the students don't stop coming."
Drinking, too, has changed. Once a means of social lubrication, it has acquired a darker, more desperate nature. Campuses nationwide are reporting record increases in binge drinking over the past decade, with students often stuporous in class, if they get there at all. Psychologist Paul E. Joffe, chair of the suicide prevention team at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, contends that at bottom binge-drinking is a quest for authenticity and intensity of experience. It gives young people something all their own to talk about, and sharing stories about the path to passing out is a primary purpose. It's an inverted world in which drinking to oblivion is the way to feel connected and alive.
"There is a ritual every university administrator has come to fear," reports John Portmann, professor of religious studies at the University of Virginia. "Every fall, parents drop off their well-groomed freshmen and within two or three days many have consumed a dangerous amount of alcohol and placed themselves in harm's way. These kids have been controlled for so long, they just go crazy."

Why would we feel that is a good idea?  The numbers of young woman who have said that they have been abused in relationship is frightening.  While I am not denying the pathology that is behind people staying in an abusive relationship exists, but many of these kids are not coming from abusive homes, which lowers the risk of the them being abused as an adult.  

Talk to a college president or administrator and you're almost certainly bound to hear tales of the parents who call at 2 a.m. to protest Branden's C in economics because it's going to damage his shot at grad school.
Shortly after psychologist Robert Epstein announced to his university students that he expected them to work hard and would hold them to high standards, he heard from a parent—on official judicial stationery—asking how he could dare mistreat the young. Epstein, former editor-in-chief of Psychology Today, eventually filed a complaint with the California commission on judicial misconduct, and the judge was censured for abusing his office—but not before he created havoc in the psychology department at the University of California, San Diego.

I also was reading some stories from hiring directors about the millennium generation and their job interviewing skills.  They are pretty poor:

A college senior brought her cat into an interview for a buyer's position at clothing retailer American Eagle. She set the crate-housed cat on the interviewer's desk and periodically played with it. "It hit me like — why would you think that's OK?" says Mark Dillon, the chain's former recruiting director. "She cut herself off before she had a chance."
• Helicoptering parents. A man in his late 20s brought his father into a 45-minute interview for a material handling job on an assembly line, says Teri Nichols, owner of a Spherion staffing-agency in Brooksville, Fla. At Cigna, a health insurance provider, the father of a recent grad who received an offer for a sales job, called to negotiate a higher salary, says Paula Welch, a Cigna HR consultant.

While yes the story about the cat is funny, it is also very scary.  These kids are going to be running the country one day and they think bringing a cat to an interview is acceptable behavior.  I think it can be a good idea for a parent to help their child through the first job interview process and teaching them about negotiating a salary, those are necessary skills to have over your lifetime.  But you don't make the call yourself.  

It is any wonder that kids today don't understand the concept of responsiblity and hard work?  

Although we're well on our way to making kids more fragile, no one thinks that kids and young adults are fundamentally more flawed than in previous generations. Maybe many will "recover" from diagnoses too liberally slapped on to them. In his own studies of 14 skills he has identified as essential for adulthood in American culture, from love to leadership, Epstein has found that "although teens don't necessarily behave in a competent way, they have the potential to be every bit as competent and as incompetent as adults."

It is all in our hands parents.  Are we up to the task?  

The Brave New World of Having Babies – Woman Steals Sperm from Condoms, Goes to Clinic, Sues for Child Support

A Texas exotic dancer has 4-year-old twins.  She became pregnant around the time that a relationship with her then boyfriend was coming to an end.  The man, Joseph Pressil, says he was surprised when she told him she was pregnant because they always used condoms.  Not so fast there Joseph.  Apparently you weren't dumping your sperm down the toilet.  You gave her the chance to hide your little swimmers, then rush them over to the fertility clinic.  

That's right.  She kept the sperm and used it during IVF treatments.  The Clinic never bothered to check where the sperm was coming from and if she had permission to use it.  The IVF treatment obviously took.  Pressil has taken responsibility for his actions and has joint custody of the kids.  But, he has decided to file a lawsuit against the fertility clinic for using his sperm without his permission.  

While I would like to think that this is a rare occurrence, but how do we know?  I mean many women out there put off having children to concentrate on their careers.  The longer you wait, the harder it becomes to get pregnant the natural way.  Hence the multi dollar business of fertility clinics.  

I am not going to try to put down people who desperately want children and can't seem to get there the "natural" way.  I have been in that position myself and believe me, it is horrible and heartbreaking.  But doesn't this clinic have some sort of responsibility to find out where this sperm comes from?  Don't they require a signature from the man at the very least?  

Can anyone just walk in off the street with vial full of sperm and say hey, get me pregnant.  This just furthers my belief that as a society we have taken away rights from men when it comes to "reproductive rights".  All the talk goes to the woman's side.  She can kill her child at will with no input from the father of the child, and apparently you can go get yourself knocked up without speaking to him either.  Do men have any rights in this process anymore?  

We wonder why society more and more views men as nothing more than sperm donors; marriage is on the decline and single parenthood is on the rise.  I guess what is good for the children is a just a secondary thing.  Ain't no thing I guess.  

I hope he gets millions and puts this clinic out of business.  

Republican Intern Adam Savader Arrested for Alleged Sexual Extortion Scheme – Don’t Parents Talk to Their Children about Taking Naked Photos of Themselves?

Normally this isn't the type of story I would do a post about.  People do creepy things in this day and age.  But, since I know this guy I am intrigued by this story.  Adam worked as an intern for the Romney Campaign and also was a paid staffer for the Newt Campaign.  My regular readers may remember that a very good friend of mine was also a paid staffer for Newt.  As such, after I realized that I wasn't all that jazzed with the choices we had in the last round, I did decide to go and work for the Newt campaign as well.  I wasn't paid, but I did a great deal of work on a volunteer basis.  I enjoyed spending time with my bud, and I learned a great deal doing it.  This is where I met Adam.  

Adam had always struck me a little awkward, but I am very shocked to hear this.  I talked to people who I still am in contact with from the Newt campaign last night and they are just as shocked as I am.  One of these friends just had him as a houseguest recently.  Another said:

I'm just shocked!!! I just thought he was a very severe young guy who would eventually loosen up!! WOW!!

Now he has been arrested for trying to blackmail women to send him nude photos of themselves.  Apparently he somehow came across pictures of naked women, found out their identities and tried to blackmail them into sending more photos or he would publicly release the photos that he found.  Creepy, very creepy.  Obviously under our justice system he is considered innocent until proven otherwise.  He is facing up to five years in federal prison.  Since he is only 21 years old, that is very sad.  This will take away his voting privileges for life, his desire to work in politics is now over, and even though it will be a federal prison, it won't be fun.  Seeing naked pictures of women is pretty easy so why he felt he needed to go to this extreme is profoundly confusing, except to say again, that I found him to be very awkward.  He was 21 so why couldn't just go and buy a Playboy is something that I just don't understand.  

But I must ask myself why is it that he was able to find naked pictures of women seemingly so easily?  Don't parents have this discussion with their daughters?  I don't know how old these women are exactly, but apparently they were all college aged.  It seems that they were students with him at the same college.  

We live in an age where virtually everyone has a camera on them at all times.  I know no one that doesn't have at least a camera on their cell phone.  Even mine which is the cheapest of all services still has a camera and the ability to upload those photos easily.  Most young Americans are on some sort of social media; twitter and Facebook to name just two.  Virtually everyone in the country has access to email.  Is it common to put naked pics of yourself in these forums?  I have never done it (thank God for small miracles) and never would.  I wouldn't even think that sending a naked photo of myself over the internet to the man in my life would be a good idea.  The reality is this, once you put it out over the internet, it is no longer private.  As much as we would like to think that it is, it just isn't.  Facebook's policy is quite clear, you cannot expect privacy from what you post.  It is out there.  Any photos that I put on this blog are out there and become public domain.  Hence the reason you don't see photos of my family and loved ones on this blog.  I refuse to do it.  

I am in no way trying to blame the alleged victims in this case, but what I am saying is don't we have conversations with our kids about the very real dangers of social media?  We live in a world that has crazy on every corner and you never really know what someone is going to do.  Apparently these young women did have naked photos of themselves, in some cases stored in their email accounts.  Isn't that bizarre?  Why would you have naked photos of yourself in your email?  Is this a normal thing now with college aged kids?  I don't recall knowing anyone who did this when I was in college.  

I know my parents never had these conversations with me, but in their in defense I didn't grow up in the time of everyone having a cell phone and internet access.  My parents never really had to have this discussion with me, and beyond that I have always been shy about these types of things anyway.  I can't imagine letting anyone taking a picture of me naked.  

Now, I was just reading the other day that a school system in New York was running an anti-bullying campaign in the school where they had the girls role play being a lesbian and asking their classmates for a kiss.  That is something that the school spends time on, but are they addressing this issue?  It would seem to me that this is an issue that is far more important than teaching teenagers how to pick up same-sex partners, but hey that is just me.  

I want to make it perfectly clear, if Adam is guilty, he belongs in jail.  He should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.  Again, I am not blaming the young women here, but I am asking if we are doing enough, as parents, to discuss the real dangers that exist in our technology driven society?  It seems to me that the answer is apparently not.  

I guess now I know why he was on social media constantly during the day.  

H/T The Other McCain

Six Year Old Survives Aligator Attack

I can't get the video to embed, but it is worth the look.  This little boy is too cute for words.  Thank God he is ok.  

http://video.foxnews.com/v/2322190499001/florida-father-fights-off-alligator-to-free-son/?playlist_id=2322190499001

Mental Illness, The Death of a Child, and Human Hostility - Pastor Rick Warren's Son Commits Suicide

This story really upset me to the point that I have had real problems writing this.  This is like the fourth draft of this post.  All my regular readers know that I have been very open and honest about the fact that I suffer from a mental illness; major depression.  I truly believe that all people have crosses to bear in life, and this is one of mine.  Sadly, Pastor Warren's son unable to bear his cross, ended his own life on Friday night.  Simply tragic.

Another cross I had to bear in my life was the death of my best friend when we were teenagers.  She was killed in a car accident on her way to an amusement park one summer day shortly after her 15th birthday.  Luckily, her family and I have remained close.  I not only still talk to them, they are my family on an emotional level.  I watched what that family went through after her death.  It was horrible.  It almost devastated that family.  They were able to find their way to the other side, but it took years.  Honestly, they are likely not the same people they were before the accident.  The wounds went that deep.  I know the affect it had on my life and we were not really family, just childhood friends.  She and I shared the things that little girls share as they are trying to find their way to adulthood.  I often wonder how different my life would be had she lived.  But my point being I watched parents trying to find their way after the grief of losing a child.  I firmly believe that is a pain like no other, it is not the natural order of things.  You are not supposed to bury your child.

It took little time for people to show their inhumanity after the news was released.  The hate was just awful.  To make matters even worse is that it came from both sides.  Look, I have issues with Pastor Warren and some of his views.  But, does that justify this?

“I am a Christian and this guy was no Christian. … Purpose driven life my ars. The kid couldn’t be helped by a cult-like atmosphere and false teachings.”

I think not.  This family is burying a child.  The fact that he was grown doesn't change the fact that they are his parents.  Matthew Warren, besides suffering from mental illness, was also a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a co-worker, and many other things as well.  Doesn't that matter in our culture anymore?

The left has come out with the theory that he was gay and due to his father's stance on same-sex marriage caused him so much pain he had to take his own life.  There is no proof of this, but this is theory that those that are pre-disposed to hate any and all Christians have come up with.

“Rick warren hates all homosexuals. Look it up! His own son couldn’t change his mind. Do you think for a minute that rick is in mourning? His son was gay! He is rejocing. What a pathetic excuse for a human being.”

Hmm, he hates all homosexuals.

Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.”

There is a huge difference between hating someone and being against gay marriage based upon tenets of one's faith.  Not only does the left not get that, they don't even make the attempt to.  Or maybe they do get it and just don't care.  I am not sure.

Pastor Warren's work around the globe for AIDS patients can't be touched.  He has done amazing work not only giving medical care to the stricken, but also caring for the children who have been orphaned because of the disease.  If he were so full of "hate" he wouldn't be doing this.  Unless you are being intellectually dishonest you cannot disagree that AIDS is primarily an illness based upon behavioral choices, such as gay sex and promiscuity.  If you practice  abstinence until marriage and remain faithful the chances of you getting AIDS is almost nonexistence in the world today.  That would be life choices that Pastor Warren would prefer that people make.  Yet, there he is out in the world trying to make a difference to those that are suffering from that illness and helping the children who have become second-hand victims.

But sadly, simply talking about living a life based upon biblical teachings is enough to get you labeled a hate monger.  Standing by your belief system seems to justify being targeted within hours of the one of the most painful experiences of your life.  Even worse is when other "Christians" join in on the attacks.

Nothing is being said about the horrors that people with lifelong depression face.  The darkness that permeates far too much of their lives and takes away hope.  So let me say it.  Let me try to describe to you what this is like.  I am not a doctor and I can only talk about my own experiences, but from what I understand mine are not all that different from the others who suffer from this.

It has been described to me that on a scale of one to ten, most people fall between a 6 and 8 on any given day.  They will have days of fluctuation of course, but generally speaking this is where the average falls.  I happen to fall between a 4 and 6 on any given day.  My good days are your bad days.  I live in a constant funk.  I feel like crying for reasons that I can't explain.  I have described this to people on several occasions that I feel like I am in a body of water and I can't see land and no matter how much I swim I am getting nowhere.  Think of how exhausting that is.  That young man likely didn't feel all that different.  He couldn't find his way to land.  30% of all people who take antidepressants on a regular basis will have the medication just stop working.  There is no rhyme or reason for it, so you can't prepare for it.  When this happens your depression will of course get worse.  I have no way of knowing if Warren's son happened to be in that 30% or not, but it wouldn't surprise me if he were.

People with long-term depression get very good at faking it.  At least to a point.  It eventually will catch up to you.  During one of my down cycles I used to go to work everyday and do my job with no issues.  But that was about all I could accomplish.  I went straight home, turned off the phone and sat on the couch in a daze until I went back to work.  I got through it by taking my car a few miles away during my lunch hour and sit in my car and cry for an hour.  It released enough of the emotion that I could through the afternoon.  Once that episode began to fade, I then had to clean my condo, which was a mess.  My poor dog got little attention during this cycle.  She was an amazing comfort to me during the time, she seemed to sense my down moods and would snuggle with me.  She used to put her head on one shoulder and her paw on the other and lick my face.  She was giving me a doggie hug.  She really did help me get through the bad days.

The point that I am trying to make is that depression is a horrible, horrible illness.  It is an ILLNESS.  It isn't a choice.  It requires medical attention and in most cases medication to balance out the chemical imbalances in your brain.  His son couldn't find his way out any other way.  Is it cowardly?  Maybe.  But if you lived with this pain and darkness day after day for the majority of your life , you would see it a different way.

Our inhumanity to man is very sad to me.  Questioning Pastor Warren's belief system is fair game as he is in the public eye.  But to purposely hurt a man who is about to bury his own child can only be described as inhumane.  There is no other word for it.  Shame on those who did this.

Rick Warren        ✔ @RickWarren

Grieving is hard.Grieving as public figures,harder.Grieving while haters celebrate your pain,hardest.Your notes sustained us

I hope that Matthew has found the peace he was unable to attain in life.  I also hope that the Warren family continues to get notes to sustain them through this horrible ordeal.

Some Thoughts on The Oscars and Flotus

I admit it, I am a huge fan of the Oscars.  I rarely miss watching the ceremony.  I love movies and I really like the fact that most years I have seen most of the movies that are nominated for the big awards.  Now, hollywood isn't exactly a fan of mine.  Or, I should say my political beliefs.  Many within the industry are outright rude to people who hold my political beliefs.  They call me all kinds of not so nice names and twitter has made it even more pronounced.

So last night I was tweeting while watching the ceremony.  Many of the conservatives around the twitterverse talked about how we shouldn't watch because of the very liberal slant of the industry and the people within the industry.  I say exactly the opposite.  One of the reasons that democrats win is that use pop culture to influence the masses.

Well, Flotus proved me correct last night.

It's through cinema, Obama said, that "our children learn to open their imagination and dream just a little bigger and to strive every day to reach those dreams."

More accurately she should have said that through cinema they influence our children.  Now, don't take this that I am saying that parents can't do anything about it, but the influences are still there.

Do you still think we shouldn't be engaging in pop culture?

The sad fact is this, the lines between politics and pop culture are not just blurred, Michelle Obama and her bangs giving out the Oscar for Best Film shows that the lines have been completely erased.  Sit on the sidelines if you want, but it will be to your detriment.