A Career Woman Answers the Question Does a Hard Working Dad Feel Guilt & Doesn't Even Know She Did

I was reading this article from Good Housekeeping titled I'm 99% Mom and 1% Wife: And It Has to be That Way.  Really?  It has to be this way?  I don't think it does nor should it be that way.  

I put John last, pretty much all the time. And it's not like he's a bad guy — far from it. He does the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, makes the kids' lunches, even braids my daughter's hair. He often compliments me, and regularly asks if we can go away, alone, for a weekend, or at least out to lunch.

I tell him I have no time for leisurely lunches, let alone two entire days away. I can't be bothered to figure out who is going to take care of our kids, pack, unpack, then scramble getting ready for Monday morning.

What kind of marriage is that?  Now I realize that feminists have, over the years, made marriage seem like a bad thing, but why even bother to keep pretending you have a marriage if this is truly how you feel?  

It is very hard to keep a marriage going after the kiddos come along.  The more you have, the more time the kids will take up.  But, that doesn't mean you don't get to behave like being a spouse is unimportant. 

While I think many people think the skill sets for being a parent and being a spouse are pretty much the same, they are also very different.  Your children should be enhancing your marriage, not causing you to ignore it.   

She goes on:

I've spoken this sentence to John. "Let me be clear: If I have to choose between you or one of the kids, you will lose every time. Do you have a problem with that?"

No why would he?  It isn't like he is their father and loves just as much as she does.  

I put John last, pretty much all the time. And it's not like he's a bad guy — far from it. He does the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, makes the kids' lunches, even braids my daughter's hair. He often compliments me, and regularly asks if we can go away, alone, for a weekend, or at least out to lunch.

I tell him I have no time for leisurely lunches, let alone two entire days away. I can't be bothered to figure out who is going to take care of our kids, pack, unpack, then scramble getting ready for Monday morning.

But she is the main breadwinner.  

For most of the last 10 years, I've been the breadwinner. I worked long hours commuting into Manhattan full-time. Now, John has a job, but I still commute, and also work from home trying to keep us ahead of the bills.

My older son is in college, and I will save him from student loans or die trying. My younger son has some special needs, and keeping him on track is a full-time job. My daughter, like any 11-year-old girl, wants her mom to listen, to watch, to help. The clock is ticking on her innocence, and I dare not miss a second of what's left of it.

I am tired, and I am worried. Worried there won't be enough. Enough money, enough luck, enough time, enough of me. John's a great dad, but I play a singular role in each of my kid's lives. And as they've grown, the urgency to get it right screams at me, day and night.

It sounds like that John was a stay at home for a period of time.  So that makes her comments even more shocking.  By that I mean isn't it feminists that keep harping on this stupid theory that some how men who are out working don't get what it is like to have the responsibility of home life and the female gets stuck with all those roles?  In this family the roles are reversed.  He is the one doing the day to day, yet she still realizes that a mom and a dad have different roles in the life of a child.  Their expectations of what they want from them are different.  

She has taken on the traditional role of the man in her family, yet isn't happy that she has to worry about the money being enough, the time being enough, the kids getting enough. 

No matter what your particular family dynamic is, there is guilt either way.  This woman has answered those questions for feminists without realizing she has done it.  It is strangely and sadly comical.  

The main breadwinner who is out working feels guilt.  They too wish they had more time to be a more active and involved parent and spouse.  But there is only so much to go around, so they take shortcuts and prioritize what works best for them.  

There are no easy ways to navigate marriage and parenthood.  But ignoring your spouse and putting your marriage on the back-burner you are doing your children no favors.  They aren't seeing a healthy relationship  By thinking that having a big Christmas with every little thing they ask for under the tree will make up for the shortcomings of not being around, the only person you're deluding is yourself.  

This woman may be a much happier person as well as a both a better parent and spouse if she realizes that providing all the material things isn't nearly as important as giving of yourself.  Forgo some of the extra Christmas and birthday gifts.  Let your kids take on a little of the responsibility of paying for college, or send them to a community college for two years.  You can spend your money in different ways and not feel this burden to "have it all".  

To John, you obviously love your wife and children very much.  One day they are going to read this article and fully understand what it means; and they will love you all the more.  

The Shepard/Sally Divorce and Feminism

Social media is all a flutter over the impending divorce and custody case of The View's Sheri Shepard and Lamar Sally.  Sally filed for legal separation and shortly thereafter filed for not only divorce, but custody of the child that is currently unborn and being carried by a surrogate mother.  By getting custody he will likely receive (and rightly so, I might add) child support.  Many women are calling foul.  He is just some gold digger after her money.

Apparently they did sign a prenup and in case of divorce in the first five years of marriage (they have only been married about three years) he gets very little of her income or assets.  But this is something that happens all the time with women who marry successful men who have assets and money that are larger than their own.   Women file for divorce and expect large sums of money in spousal support.  I know a man who is divorced and his former wife wanted monthly spousal support, the house, the kids, as well as child support.  They made virtually the same income so why would he have to pay spousal support?  In the end she didn't get spousal support, but she did get everything else she asked for and then went off to start a new life with the man she cheated with.

If women are looking for equal treatment, than this should actually be celebrated not mocked.  She knew he made less money than her when she married him.  She knew she had assets that greatly exceeded his.  This was a choice that she made.  No one forced her down the aisle.

I get really tired of hearing from women that all they want is be treated equally to men then have the nerve to call foul when that is exactly what happens.  Women marry for money all the time.  We have seen it over and over again.  When the marriage ends, they expect large amounts of cash from the guy to continue the "lifestyle they have become accustomed" to.  Look at some of these celebrity/sports divorces and the very large settlements that women get.  Yet, that isn't what we are hearing in this case:

“In Sally’s case he is pathetic and not what I would classify as a MAN! Where is his damn money? She made her money now he wants hers. Spousal support, he is a punk!”

I didn't hear women saying things like that when Elin Woods left Tiger and received a large settlement.  Granted he was cheating on her (and yes that is an understatement for his behavior), but in most states divorce is no fault, so that doesn't matter.  When Jerry Hall divorced Mick Jagger she is estimated at getting $25 million, this is a woman who had a very successful modeling career and made her own money.  She was far from a pauper.

This is equality folks.  Divorce is ugly and money almost always becomes an issue.  Whomever the main breadwinner is the other spouse is going to be looking to get their hands on it.  If women want true equality stop complaining that men who marry, then divorce women, who are more well off than them are doing the same thing that women have been doing for generations.  This is exactly what feminism has called for.

Of Dog Whistles and Other Such Things

I have enjoyed the spin on the left about the convention this week.  The outright falsehoods that are going on about the auto plant in Wisconsin has been quite amusing.  The video and newspaper reports that prove that the plant was indeed still making cars when President Obama took the oath of office doesn't seem to deter them.  I guess Romney's underwear is truly magic since the videos dated long before he choose Paul Ryan as his running mate.  

The outright disgusting behavior that was shown towards Mia Love and Condi Rice was very sad,  but even worse, it was expected.  The cries of the female version of Uncle Tom was heard loud and clear.  We get it, you don't like any person of color being conservative.  They are not allowed to think for themselves.  They must follow your vision, because after all, you are the party of tolerance.  

The left got their pants all twisted by Ann Romney's line of 'I have a real marriage'.  She wasn't talking about gay marriage.  She was talking about the same thing that every other married couple knows to be true, marriage is work.  The movies and the fairy tales don't tell you that when you are growing up.  She had five children to raise with a husband who travels.  She has dealt with real tragedy in her life.  The loss of a child, numerous health problems in breast cancer and the knowledge that she will be dealing with MS for the rest of her life.  She has come out the other side of those things with her marriage in tact.  That is not an easy thing to do.  The rates of divorce in our country prove that.  

Chris Matthews schooled me this week on the words that I am not allowed to use.  Chicago means racist.  Golf means racist.  All that secret code, oh my.  Al Sharpton has decided that the fact that Romney has a proven and clear record of putting minorities and women in positions of power and authority is a negative.  I am not even going to try and figure that out.  In his world up is down and black is white.  The only people who can legitimately put minorities is someone who shares his world view.  If not, I guess they are just pandering.  Some have gone as far to say that proves that they are racists.  Paul Ryan's college girlfriend who happens to be black is also somehow proof that he really doesn't like black people.  You figure it out, it just makes my head hurt.  

But this has to be one of my favorites of the week.  

 But that line about how when America needs to accomplish something great, "you need an American"? Dog whistle to the birthers?

Now, take a look at what he actually said:

Tonight that American flag is still there on the moon. And I don't doubt for a second that Neil Armstrong's spirit is still with us: that unique blend of optimism, humility and the utter confidence that when the world needs someone to do the really big stuff, you need an American.

She is just pulling this crap out of thin air.  He didn't say when America needs to accomplish something, he said when the world does.  He was talking about American Exceptionalism.  Something that Maria Cordona obviously cannot even begin to understand.  The left doesn't see America in the same vision that I and others on the right do.  They just don't.  They don't view our place in the world as something special.  We are just one of many to them.  We should be more like Europe to them.  Why they don't just pick up and move to Europe is something that I don't understand.  You like it there so much, pack your bags.  No one is stopping you.  I will help you pack.  

You Don't Say - Study Shows that Divorce Permanently Harms Children

The news that studies show that children of divorce are damaged shouldn't be shocking, yet it is. This is just another example of how our culture tries to decide what is and what is not good for human development. Children are hurt by divorce. Again, for the life of me I cannot understand how this is so difficult to people to grasp.


In a perfect world we would marry, have children and live happily ever after. But, the world is not perfect. Sometimes people make bad choices for a mate and have children before they realize it. Or sometimes they want children so badly that they go ahead and have them thinking it may make the marriage better (hint, this rarely works) or they are afraid they will lose the chance to have kids and figure they will get a divorce shortly after the child is born. I actually know someone who did that. She had one child already and didn't want her to be an only child. She got pregnant and divorced her husband a few months after the baby arrived.


Children want to please their parents. It is natural for them. They are completely dependent upon them and gaining praise from Mom and Dad is a priority. While every child is different, there are things that are relatively standard. We are all human and our natural instincts do have a guiding factor in our lives, even as much as some would like to pretend that they don't. When children are watching their parents fight over custody, fight over money, and the child is being carted between homes it takes a toll.

Children struggle with maths and making friends when their parents divorce, a study has found.


They often fall behind classmates whose parents stay married, suffering from anxiety, loneliness and feeling sad – and may never catch up academically.


Contrary to some previous research, children through primary school did not show any negative effects before the parents decided to split, the U.S. study found.

One of the problems is that our culture no longer looks at divorce as a failure to be avoided. It has become almost a rite of passage. We make light of the decision of marriage, we have gone as far into turning into a reality show. Like this is how we should be picking a spouse. We spend sometime making out with various people in a hot tub then at the end of the day we give roses to the one we would like to stay on for another few days. While most people don't make decisions on marriage in this fashion, it is likely that we all know people who have jumped into marriage with someone who they don't know very well, or marry someone they know is bad for them. Many women fall into the "Bad Boy" trap and are stupid enough to think that they can change them. Ladies, let me give you a little advice the bad habits they have they day before your wedding don't magically disappear the day after. They usually become more pronounced and annoy you even further when you live with them full-time.


Going into a marriage you are unsure about is not only unhealthy for you, it is very unhealthy for our children. While many parents are able to keep the martial strife away from their children, many do not. Divorces become ugly as raw emotion and attorney's take over. Many parents become completely obsessed about hurting their spouse and have a complete disregard for the effect that this will have on their children. With the divorce numbers as high as they are in our society just think of how many kids this is affecting and what it is doing to our society as a whole.

Children of divorce experience setbacks in maths test scores and show problems with interpersonal skills and internalising behaviour,’ lead researcher Hyun Sik Kim, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison, said.


‘They are more prone to feelings of anxiety, loneliness, low self-esteem and sadness.’

Sadly, we cannot say it isn't so.

Congratulations Roy & Michelle

One of my all time favorite people got married over the weekend.  I wish them both every happiness.  I can't believe he is a married man, I used to change his diapers.  Roy is my brothers eldest boy. 

Rush & Kathryn's Wedding Album

Kathryn looks beautiful.  I am not really into the strapless wedding gown thing; a little too naked for my particular tastes, but the gown and the veil are lovely.  They look very happy.  Best Wishes to them both for a long and happy marriage.  Maybe the third time is a charm for Rush. 

Chelsea Clinton Gets Married

Doesn't look like she went to the chapel, but she did get married today.  We have all watched her grow up, I wish her and her new husband every happiness. 

The dress isn't at all my taste, but I am sure he thought she looked beautiful.