Czars are Everywhere

A little humor for a Monday morning


Our new President has adopted the idea of having Czars to deal with special issues of importance. He has named about three dozen Czars dealing to address significant matters like global warming and executive compensation. Their appointments have become very controversial, as there have been complaints about them circumventing the congressional approval and oversight processes.

I say damn these naysayers. I have come to embrace this idea despite the fact of being Jewish and having an aversion to Czars, due to a history of pogroms against my ancestors. And I just feel that we need a few more to round out Obama’s efforts.

Yard Sale Czar – Since the government has put out a handbook to guide us about how to be in compliance with product safety laws when having a yard sale, it would be most important to appoint a Czar to assure proper enforcement of these rules. Along with that, the Czar should consider standards for signs advertising the sales. I see some pretty dreadful ones. Also, used underwear and socks should be restricted from sales as this is a definite product safety issue.

Apology Czar – To many of us watching news reports of his most recent trips abroad, President Obama seemed to be on an “apology tour” for perceived misbehaviors of America in the past. I think he has just begun to scratch the surface on this and needs to appoint a Czar to root out all past inappropriate behavior of the American government and people. I can think of many he has not yet touched on. For example, he needs to apologize to Spain for the Spanish-American War, to Mexico for accepting Texas into the Union, to France for underpaying for the Louisiana Purchase and to the rest of the world for our basketball team’s performance at the 2004 Olympics. I am sure there is enough work here to carry through at least four years of his presidency. Just the 70’s with Afros, bell-bottom pants and tie-dyed clothing could cover a couple of years’ work.

Twinkie Czar – Dan White blamed this iconic food as the reason why he murdered Harvey Milk and George Moscone. Since that time, Twinkies have never recovered and our country has never been the same. This Czar could help to reestablish the importance of this unjustifiably maligned source of unique nutritional value. As part of the Czar’s role Hostess Cupcakes, Ding-Dongs and Snowballs can be brought back to their former glory as well. Given enough time, ice cream specialties such as Push-Ups could also be saved.

BCS Czar – You may have noticed that despite rising unemployment, two wars and a battle over health care, our Congress has taken up the mantle of the BCS rating system for college football and establishment of a national playoff system. While President Obama has spoken out on this issue, he still needs to appoint a Czar to bring this sad chapter in the history of the Republic to a compassionate ending. Nothing stresses the average American more than not knowing whether their alma mater will have a fair shot at bringing home the national championship trophy.

Saved Jobs Czar – Since President Obama has introduced this new concept of saved jobs, most Americans have been left in the cosmic dust. As the country loses jobs at a clip of about 450,000 per month, it is clear he has not done a good job of communicating about these “saved” jobs. A new Czar to specialize in this area would work wonders in helping Americans understand this new concept. Photo ops with plumbers, office workers and engineers who have had their jobs saved by the Anointed One would help our collective psyche. I suggest he not appoint that drab economist who he keeps rolling out for congressional hearings. He would only remind us all of the jobs lost.

And, finally:

Latke Czar – This may not affect the average American, but to Jewish Americans this is of utmost importance. Since the President has done everything possible to antagonize Jews over Israel, I thought he might go for this one. For those of you who do not know, latkes are a potato pancake-like delicacy that is an intricate part of the Hanukkah celebration. Unfortunately, there are some pretty bad latkes out there. Since we wait all year to savor these delectable items, being faced with bad latkes during Hanukkah can ruin the entire holiday season and carry over into the New Year. While attending our first White House Hanukkah Party, my wife thought at first glance their latkes to be puffy crab cakes which demonstrates that even the accomplished White House chefs can mutilate this food. If President Obama appoints a Czar now, he can save many Jews a lot of anguish during the upcoming holiday season and possibly lock up the Jewish vote for generations.

I am confident that each of you can pinpoint other Czars that could help solve the festering problems of our nation. We need to advise our President on these so he can incorporate them into his administration. And the bonus here is that if he appoints enough Czars he can solve at least one important problem – unemployment.

Bruce Bialosky