Yes, Matt Walsh, Robin Williams lost the ability to see the joy in his life

I haven't posted in a quite some time for a variety of reasons.  But this I couldn't sit out.  As everyone who doesn't live under a rock has heard by now, Robin Williams committed suicide earlier this week.  He wasn't fooling around either, he slit his wrists and wrapped a belt around his neck. He wasn't interested in failing at this.  The darkness was going to come to a conclusion.

The normal (yes, sadly this is normal) he was a horrible man who committed a very selfish act comments started almost immediately.  I must remember to stay off social media after these type of events happen as it only upsets me. His daughter Zelda has been chased off social media due to the cruelty of others.   

All of my regular readers know that I have been very open and honest about the fact that I suffer from long-term clinical depression, known as Major Depressive Disorder.  I have had this since I was in high school and possibly earlier.  I am not ashamed of it, it is part of who I am.  I don't like it and I wish it were different, but it isn't.  This is one of the crosses that I have to bear in my life.  We all have them, whatever they may be.  

I want to scream when I see what is said about mental illness after an event puts it in the news once again.  A famous person committing suicide, a mass shooting, or whatever else happens to make this issue get national attention.  Sadly, it has become predictable to point of comedy.  You can almost predict to the minute before you see the whole "selfish" thing start after news of  a suicide.  

Yes, when a person leaves the world by taking their own life they leave behind questions.  They leave loved ones who feel guilt, who wonder why they couldn't help them.  It is hard to be that loved one.  Now, that is something that I don't really have a great deal of experience with, as the small amount of people who I know that have done this weren't all that close to me.  I knew them and some cases really liked them, but it has never been someone very close to me, with one possible exception.  A guy that grew up two houses down from me died by grabbing onto live wires at a train crossing.  We went to school together, we had the same first high school job together.  We shared many interests and were close for a long period of time.  He eventually moved to another state and we lost touch with one another.  He died in Florida.  We were in our early 20's at the time, if I recall correctly.  He recently had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and was said to be coping rather well.  But at some point he stopped taking his meds, a very bad break up with his long-term girlfriend, and the lack of close friends after a recent move led him into his darkness that he saw no recovery from.  He took his own life.  He left behind a mother, a step father, a younger brother, and many close friends in our home state of CT hurt and angry.  

Oddly, I wasn't angry at him.  I was envious in very strange way.  His pain was over while mine just continued.  On and on it went.  I had yet to be given a proper diagnosis of my problems.  I had already made one attempt at ending my life at that point, and would make another just a few short years later.  Mine was triggered by events.  My BFF from my entire childhood was killed in a car accident. She was in a car going someplace that I was supposed to go and was unable to attend due to family that came in from out-of-town.  Talk about guilt.  It was horrible and it took me many, many years to get over her death and the guilt that I felt.  I still think about her everyday.  The second downward spiral in my life came after a relationship with a man I had planned on marrying came to an end.  That also took me a very long time to come to grips with.  Quite honestly I am far better off that I didn't marry him. He had many issues, not the least among them a substance abuse problem.  But I was devastated just the same.  

Blogger Matt Walsh talked about the joy of life and how that should be enough to sustain you through your dark moments.  From what I can glean from the post, Mr. Walsh seems to have an understanding of depression, he says he has struggled for many years with it.  I wonder.  

One of the worst things about my depression is how it robs me of the joy in the world.  That is what it does.  I can see many good things in my life.  I see the people who love me, who I love back.  The things that I have been able to accomplish in spite of the fact that I have suffered from clinical depression for the majority of my life are quite good.  I have a degree from a highly regarded university from which I graduated with high honors.  I have a family life today that at one point I never dreamed I would have.  I love them dearly.  They love me back.  That is part of the joy in my world.  

But, I don't always treat them the way I should.  It isn't on purpose.  I become withdrawn.  I seek shelter in the safety of my bed.  I sleep a great deal.  I don't want to do much of anything.  I am lucky that the man in my life notices it and does his best to be supportive and I love him all the more for it.  He reminds me of doctor appointments, he will ask about my meds.  He will take me out for Fro Yo, which I just love.  He will clean up the house and do other things around the house when he senses that I am feeling overwhelmed.  He is a keeper.  But as I said, there are days that I just don't feel all the good that should come from having him in my life.  I see it, but I don't feel it.  I don't think I deserve it.  I wonder why he gives up so much and gets so little in return.  

Does Mr. Walsh think that women who suffer from postpartum depression don't understand that there is joy in the world?  They have a newborn baby to care for.  A child that brings much joy to them and their family, yet they still feel the darkness, the pain, the confusion, the guilt that comes part and parcel with clinical depression. Their hormones are going nuts.  Their bodies aren't allowing them to feel the joy that little bundle of wonderment has brought them, they see it, they just don't feel it.  They aren't being selfish.  They are coping the best that they can in a horrible situation.  

It is amazing that people can easily accept that other parts of our body are ill but not our brains.  That can't possibly be the reason.  I mean many cases of osteoporosis are caused by chemical in-balances in our bodies.  We have these things called osteopaths and osteoblasts in our bodies.  One helps build bone density, one thins the bones.  When we have a proper balance between the two our bone density will be fine.  When we have an in-balance, our bones become weaker and more prone to breakage.  Our hearts and livers have many different types of enzymes, we have insulin levels in our bodies that help us digest sugar.  We need the proper balances for our bodies to run correctly.  Why is that people think that our brain is so different?  It isn't.  Our brain is an organ just like the others.  It needs certain things to function "normally".  

Our brains give off chemicals when we exercise, when we have sex, when we are experience the "joy" in our lives.  The make us feel good.  Clinical depression causes our bodies not to produce those chemicals in the same manner.  Sometimes I wonder if I have any at all.  These chemicals are also a cause of why some are more at risk of becoming substance abusers. I have a childhood friend who became a heroin addict in her teens and early twenties.  One of the things that she, and others that I know that have had the same experience, tells me is that the first time you use it the euphoria you get is something that they never experienced before or since.  It never feels as good as it did the first time.  That is how they become addicted, they are chasing that high.  They are looking for something that make them feel that feeling once again.    

We know very little about the amazing thing that is the human brain.  There are so many things that we don't fully understand.  Why will some fully recover from traumatic head injury while others will not?  Why some don't produce the proper levels of neurotransmitters that give them a healthy sense of the world around them and others do?  But we know that it happens.  Or least some of us do.  Others live in denial of that fact.  

I don't know if it is fear that keeps people from seeing the truth, but they do.  One of the most ridiculous things I heard since the death of Mr. Williams was a comparison of his death to that of a suicide bomber.  Yes, someone actually said that.  Insert primal scream here.  

The lack of compassion shown to people who are in trouble and are dealing with a darkness that is so severe it is almost impossible to explain, is nothing short of breathtaking.  You hear about how if you just let Jesus into your life that you will be healed.  Does Jesus heal cases of bone problems?  Does Jesus heal cases of juvenile diabetes, which isn't caused by behavioral issues, but strictly a genetic problem of not producing the needed amounts of insulin?  I am sure some will recall a story of someone they know who was healed, but many faithful people have medical problems that are directly related to their bodies over/under producing chemicals in their bodies, and therefore need medical care to deal with those problems.  

Mr. Williams was very open and honest about his problems with clinical depression.  He talked about it publicly many times.  That isn't an assertion, that is fact.  He was also very open about his drug and drinking problems that he suffered and found ways to overcome for decades.  Depression and substance abuse tend to go hand in hand.  People turn to substances to just feel a little relief, even if it is only briefly.  People with depression try to find all kinds of ways just to feel a little relief.  

I can't speak for what was going on in Mr. Williams' head on Monday.  I can only talk about what my experiences have been.  What I can tell you is that when I was seriously considering taking my own life, the one person I didn't think about was myself.  I thought about everyone but me.  I was not acting in a selfish way.  I was looking to not only stop the pain, but to no longer be the burden that I perceived myself as being.  I felt broken beyond repair.  That there was no hope that things would ever change for me.  That I was always going to be living in a very dark place that hurt.  I was in a closet that got smaller and smaller every day.  I felt like I could barely breathe most of the time.  I was only dragging the people who loved me down.  They would be better off without me.  They would actually thank me one day.  I was doing them, and the world, a favor.  

With what we know as public record of Mr. Williams and his problems, I would guess he didn't feel all that much different.  You see, it doesn't matter what you have, how famous you may be, how much you do or do not love Jesus, how many people you have that care about you, it matters what you feel on the inside.  In the places that most people can't see.  The deep recesses of your heart that most people are too afraid to talk about.  Those are things that matter.  Those are things that clinical depression rob you of.  Those are things that are warped in your pain and your turmoil.  You aren't being selfish, you are trying to find a solution to a problem that from your point of view has no end.  A problem that you are bringing into the lives of everyone else around you.  You are the cause for their discomfort.  You are the reason that they too can't enjoy life.  You become the reason that joy is being taken from them, and since you know exactly what that feels like, you just want it to end.  For everyone involved.  You too feel guilt and remorse.

Think about this the next time you tell a person who is suffering from depression to "get over it", or "it will get better", or one of my personal favorites, "others have it much worse than you do".  Yeah, I know that logically.  But logic and depression don't exist on the same plane.  Stop looking for logic in mental illness, it doesn't exist.  Reach out to the person.  Be there to listen to them talk about why they feel so bad without judgement.  Try and get them medical attention.  They may resist, but try anyway.  You may just save them from the fate that Mr. Williams was not able to pull himself away from.  Show true compassion to those feel that they don't deserve it.  Who feel that they aren't worthy of it.  

R.I.P Mr. Williams.  Thanks for laughs and the tears you brought into our lives with your career.  Thanks for the money you raised for children with cancer.  Thanks for entertaining our troops who were a long way from home and willing to die to protect our freedoms.  Find peace.  One can hope that your death will help educate at least one person on the dangers of mental illness and accept the fact that it is indeed an illness, not a choice.  

Mental Illness, The Death of a Child, and Human Hostility - Pastor Rick Warren's Son Commits Suicide

This story really upset me to the point that I have had real problems writing this.  This is like the fourth draft of this post.  All my regular readers know that I have been very open and honest about the fact that I suffer from a mental illness; major depression.  I truly believe that all people have crosses to bear in life, and this is one of mine.  Sadly, Pastor Warren's son unable to bear his cross, ended his own life on Friday night.  Simply tragic.

Another cross I had to bear in my life was the death of my best friend when we were teenagers.  She was killed in a car accident on her way to an amusement park one summer day shortly after her 15th birthday.  Luckily, her family and I have remained close.  I not only still talk to them, they are my family on an emotional level.  I watched what that family went through after her death.  It was horrible.  It almost devastated that family.  They were able to find their way to the other side, but it took years.  Honestly, they are likely not the same people they were before the accident.  The wounds went that deep.  I know the affect it had on my life and we were not really family, just childhood friends.  She and I shared the things that little girls share as they are trying to find their way to adulthood.  I often wonder how different my life would be had she lived.  But my point being I watched parents trying to find their way after the grief of losing a child.  I firmly believe that is a pain like no other, it is not the natural order of things.  You are not supposed to bury your child.

It took little time for people to show their inhumanity after the news was released.  The hate was just awful.  To make matters even worse is that it came from both sides.  Look, I have issues with Pastor Warren and some of his views.  But, does that justify this?

“I am a Christian and this guy was no Christian. … Purpose driven life my ars. The kid couldn’t be helped by a cult-like atmosphere and false teachings.”

I think not.  This family is burying a child.  The fact that he was grown doesn't change the fact that they are his parents.  Matthew Warren, besides suffering from mental illness, was also a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a co-worker, and many other things as well.  Doesn't that matter in our culture anymore?

The left has come out with the theory that he was gay and due to his father's stance on same-sex marriage caused him so much pain he had to take his own life.  There is no proof of this, but this is theory that those that are pre-disposed to hate any and all Christians have come up with.

“Rick warren hates all homosexuals. Look it up! His own son couldn’t change his mind. Do you think for a minute that rick is in mourning? His son was gay! He is rejocing. What a pathetic excuse for a human being.”

Hmm, he hates all homosexuals.

Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.”

There is a huge difference between hating someone and being against gay marriage based upon tenets of one's faith.  Not only does the left not get that, they don't even make the attempt to.  Or maybe they do get it and just don't care.  I am not sure.

Pastor Warren's work around the globe for AIDS patients can't be touched.  He has done amazing work not only giving medical care to the stricken, but also caring for the children who have been orphaned because of the disease.  If he were so full of "hate" he wouldn't be doing this.  Unless you are being intellectually dishonest you cannot disagree that AIDS is primarily an illness based upon behavioral choices, such as gay sex and promiscuity.  If you practice  abstinence until marriage and remain faithful the chances of you getting AIDS is almost nonexistence in the world today.  That would be life choices that Pastor Warren would prefer that people make.  Yet, there he is out in the world trying to make a difference to those that are suffering from that illness and helping the children who have become second-hand victims.

But sadly, simply talking about living a life based upon biblical teachings is enough to get you labeled a hate monger.  Standing by your belief system seems to justify being targeted within hours of the one of the most painful experiences of your life.  Even worse is when other "Christians" join in on the attacks.

Nothing is being said about the horrors that people with lifelong depression face.  The darkness that permeates far too much of their lives and takes away hope.  So let me say it.  Let me try to describe to you what this is like.  I am not a doctor and I can only talk about my own experiences, but from what I understand mine are not all that different from the others who suffer from this.

It has been described to me that on a scale of one to ten, most people fall between a 6 and 8 on any given day.  They will have days of fluctuation of course, but generally speaking this is where the average falls.  I happen to fall between a 4 and 6 on any given day.  My good days are your bad days.  I live in a constant funk.  I feel like crying for reasons that I can't explain.  I have described this to people on several occasions that I feel like I am in a body of water and I can't see land and no matter how much I swim I am getting nowhere.  Think of how exhausting that is.  That young man likely didn't feel all that different.  He couldn't find his way to land.  30% of all people who take antidepressants on a regular basis will have the medication just stop working.  There is no rhyme or reason for it, so you can't prepare for it.  When this happens your depression will of course get worse.  I have no way of knowing if Warren's son happened to be in that 30% or not, but it wouldn't surprise me if he were.

People with long-term depression get very good at faking it.  At least to a point.  It eventually will catch up to you.  During one of my down cycles I used to go to work everyday and do my job with no issues.  But that was about all I could accomplish.  I went straight home, turned off the phone and sat on the couch in a daze until I went back to work.  I got through it by taking my car a few miles away during my lunch hour and sit in my car and cry for an hour.  It released enough of the emotion that I could through the afternoon.  Once that episode began to fade, I then had to clean my condo, which was a mess.  My poor dog got little attention during this cycle.  She was an amazing comfort to me during the time, she seemed to sense my down moods and would snuggle with me.  She used to put her head on one shoulder and her paw on the other and lick my face.  She was giving me a doggie hug.  She really did help me get through the bad days.

The point that I am trying to make is that depression is a horrible, horrible illness.  It is an ILLNESS.  It isn't a choice.  It requires medical attention and in most cases medication to balance out the chemical imbalances in your brain.  His son couldn't find his way out any other way.  Is it cowardly?  Maybe.  But if you lived with this pain and darkness day after day for the majority of your life , you would see it a different way.

Our inhumanity to man is very sad to me.  Questioning Pastor Warren's belief system is fair game as he is in the public eye.  But to purposely hurt a man who is about to bury his own child can only be described as inhumane.  There is no other word for it.  Shame on those who did this.

Rick Warren        ✔ @RickWarren

Grieving is hard.Grieving as public figures,harder.Grieving while haters celebrate your pain,hardest.Your notes sustained us

I hope that Matthew has found the peace he was unable to attain in life.  I also hope that the Warren family continues to get notes to sustain them through this horrible ordeal.

Is he Sorry Now? - Madoff's Son Commits Suicide

Bernie Madoff's eldest son, Mark hanged himself today. The suicide came two years to the day that his father was arrested.  Both of Madoff's sons have been investigated and many think that they had to have known what was going on with their father's ponzi scheme that bilked billions from people.  Even though it is the the two sons that turned him into authorities. 

Authorities said today that no charges were due to filed against the younger Madoff.  So, it is impossible to say what has caused him to go this far.  There was apparently a great deal of pressure on him:

Nikolay Reva, a 28-year-old salesman in the Prada boutique on same block, said that Mark and his wife would come in with their children to shop, both before and after the scandal broke two years ago.



Mark "was very sweet, respectful, friendly," said Reva. "But after his father's arrest, you could see the person diminishing slowly, you could see something started to happen physically, and he wasn't as talkative."

The younger Madoff apparently had sent some strange emails to his wife, who happened to be in Florida with their eldest child.  His wife was worried enough to contact a family member to check on him and he was found hanging from a dog leash.  His two year old son slept in the next room and was unharmed.  It is terrible that he would do something like that with his child in the house. 

The only thing that keeps going through my head is this when Bernie will have his "Come to Jesus" moment?  He has destroyed people's lives and his son is just the latest victim.  But, the biggest victims will be his two young grandchildren who will now grow up without their father. 
"Madoff has never shown any remorse Somehow, I don't see even this doing anything to affect this sociopath. 

This is a terrible and unnecessary tragedy," Madoff's lawyer, Martin Flumenbaum said in a written statement. "Mark was an innocent victim of his father's monstrous crime who succumbed to two years of unrelenting pressure from false accusations and innuendo."